Singing the Moon...

Waves

2012-01-16T12:26:00.000-06:00

I just looked at the calendar and realized that it has been a year! One year today since we brought Hana Yenenesh and Malakai Melese home.

I don't have the words to express what this last year has been like. I have had some of my most absolutely difficult, heartbreaking, discouraging, terrifying moments of my life this year. As well as so much joy, laughter and wonder. The emotions have come like waves, washing over me, swirling around me, tossing me up into the air and pulling me under.

I am a different person than I was a year ago, of that I have no doubt. I'm not as good a person as I thought I was... nor as good a parent as I thought. I am trying to be better. Really. Trying to be one of those people who never looses their cool. Who spends all of their time with their children parenting in a way that fosters attachment and security. I didn't realize how hard it would be- trying to give as much love as they need to each of my three children. I think I was such a much better mother when I only had one baby to take care of. We spent so much time staring into each other's eyes and giggling. Snuggling and tickling. I do those things with all three of my children, but there isn't enough of me to go around. It sometimes exhausts and frustrates me. But there is so much fun and life with three; Duck, Duck, Goose with our whole family is more fun than I can say. There is so much joy in watching them bond and explore their world together. They are a pack... kinda like soccer hooligans, but cuter.

I have done so many things in the last year. I have fallen in love with two new people and with our new family as a whole. I have made sticker charts and taken kids to the dentist and doctor after doctor after doctor. I have potty trained two children and begun attempting to navigate the public school system. I have gotten bloody lips and bruised shins, heart and ego. I have learned new songs and taught my eldest daughter how to dance. I have helped a child weather storms of grief that I can't even comprehend and watched her begin to heal.

My children have changed, too.

Mer is stronger now. Bolder. Much more self reliant. She has done things this year that I thought would be years in the future (like rolling her eyes and saying, " But MOM!" in an exasperated tone). I think her highs are higher now, but her lows are lower. She struggles with missing when it was just her at the center of the universe, but loves to have such fun playmates. She and Hani were sitting on the couch last night and she put her arm around her Hana, gave her a kiss and said, "I love you, sister." She does. And her brother.. her partner in crime... her own personal minion. She loves them.

Hana is tall and graceful now. She is athletic and smart and has started to show a brilliant sense of humor. She has developed a confident air about her. Hana still has dark times filled with big feelings. Not often, but they come out of nowhere when her confidence is shattered. When I'm not paying enough attention. When I don't make my love apparent enough. Hana loves us. So much. She aches for our approval and soaks in our love. It is never enough. She is starting to realize that we can love both her and Meron at the same time, and is opening up her heart to her sister. She has learned that she can trust us with her brother and that she doesn't need to protect him.
She has learned much and taught me more. Hana is slowly but surely finding her place in our family and in this world.

Kai has changed from a baby to a little boy. He is funny and delights in making us laugh. He is hot tempered and quick to lash out, but sweet and kind and cuddly. Malakai loves trucks and airplanes and animals. He has learned to run and climb and jump and leap into the swimming pool. He used to be frantic whenever anyone got their coat or shoes on. He was so scared that he would be left behind. He has learned to dawdle most effectively. Kai loves his sisters. Hani is his protector. He thinks she is amazing. Meron is his mentor in all things mischievous. He looks to her for good ideas and cries for her to save him when he is in time out.

We continue to evolve and to grow. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.
I love them so. Happy family day, little peeps.

At last...

2012-01-11T14:52:00.001-06:00

Hana's very first birthday party. She had a blast.

Pink strawberry butterfly cake...

An unexpected guest- the three year old daughter of the restaurant owner. She was really cute.. but extremely offended that we hadn't brought all of the presents for her.

Presents...

Hana said I had to include this picture even though it was blurry, because she was SO EXCITED about this dress that she got from her great grandma. It is so cute. She loved it.

After our injera and cake were eaten we headed to a butterfly garden. My camera was dead so I didn't take any pictures, but I kind of could have lived there. Plus, blue morpho butterflies were in season, so the air was full of huge, brilliantly blue butterflies. Hana loved them and was desperate to have one land on her. Like 6 landed on Meron and they totally freaked her out, but none wanted to sit on Hani.
So, after watching her stand completely still in a huge cloud of butterflies for about 5 minutes, I staged a butterfly landing on her back. Yup, I know. But she would have been so sad! So I gently pulled on the back of her dress and said there was a big blue butterfly on her. Then I pretended to brush it off and pointed it out in the 50 or so butterflies around her. She was really excited. Not sure whether this makes me a good mom or a terrible mom... probably just a mom who didn't want her overly tired and anxious daughter to have a melt down of epic proportions in the butterfly house.
All in all, we had a lovely time. Especially Hani. She is already making plans for her birthday next year.

Anticipation...

2012-01-11T14:29:00.000-06:00

Hani has never had a birthday part. Ever. She came home 2 weeks after her birthday last year, and we didn't dare celebrate since we couldn't explain it. She has been waiting so long.. through the birthdays of every single person in our family and extended family.

She had only two requests for her birthday: swimming and injera. To grant both of these, we had to drive to a city 3 hours away. We stayed in a hotel that had a water park, complete with a big pirate ship in the kiddie pool and a 2 story water slide. It was so much fun.

Waiting to get into the pool...

Swimming!

Floating!

I tried to take pictures of all of them. After 3 years of obsessive photo taking, Meron has decided she is done with photo shoots. It is like taking pictures of a yeti... as soon as she sees I have the camera she runs away.

That little brown and blue streak is my baby going down the GIGANTIC water slide by herself. Scared the poo out of me. But she was proud of herself and had a blast. Plus, Hani did it first, so Meron HAD to.

So Tough...

2012-01-11T14:20:00.003-06:00

I love watching the girls in class. Have you ever seen very small kittens hiss? They feel all tough and bad, but really it is just adorable. That's kind of what it is like watching my babies learn to kick and punch. You should see their war faces....

2012

2012-01-02T00:41:00.001-06:00

Welcome 2012. May you be calmer than 2011... but with at least as much joy.

Relief

2012-01-02T00:36:00.001-06:00

At long last, Christmas is over and Hani can relax. We had a wonderful time. Not without a few anxieties, but a seriously lovely Christmas.

Well, three Christmases.

One at my Grandma and Grandpa's house (aka Great Grammy and Big Papa)

I love these pictures. I spent the first 18 years of my life with my grandparents living a mile away from me. They were our closest neighbors. I love watching my children grow to love them like I do. I love that Hana and my grandma share a deep love of red and yummy raspberry colors. I love that Kai and my grandpa bonded over trucks. I love that they totally messed up the "kid's corner" like I always did when I was young.

One at my mom and dad's house

I love this picture even though it is blurry. Maybe even because it is blurry, because no one knew they were getting their picture taken. I love the joy.

And one at home.

Hope your Christmas was as filled with love, joy and wonder as ours. It was magic.

Suspicious...

2012-01-01T23:28:00.000-06:00

The kids were upstairs supposedly getting dressed. Hani came running downstairs to get me, telling me to come upstairs right away to see what they did. I was scared. She is the one who tends to tell on the others, and it doesn't bode well when she wants me to come see what someone has done. What I found was this:

A tea party all set up for me. Hani said it was bunna (coffee) and when I commented that it was delicious, she said it was good because she added mustard. And hot chocolate.

And this:

They made my bed.

We had buna and then they made me lay down to take a nap. They took turns rubbing my back and singing to me. Best. Game. Ever.

Sorry for underestimating you, little peeps.

Santa Baby

2011-12-11T16:28:00.001-06:00

They're fans. But all they can think of to ask for is "a Christmas tree." I can't even tell you how much that pleases me.

I guess it is a side effect of not having tv... they don't have commercials telling them what to want all the time.

Things have been pretty all around magical around here. Every trip across town is an adventure with many exclamations of delight at the lights.

Life isn't easy with three kids 4 and under... but it sure is sweet.

Proud

2011-12-11T16:00:00.001-06:00

So, did you know I used to be a taekwondo teacher? Yup. 3rd degree black belt, hands deadly weapons... you know, all that. That is actually where I met Nathan. I kinda quit when Mer came home. Well, not so much quit as had to stay home and take care of the baby. But Nathan owns a dojang downtown and it has been part of the kids' lives since they came home. In fact, Mer used to stay in the Ergo on his back while he taught classes. The people there are a whole other family for our kids, but they've never taken part until now. Nathan told the kids that they could start when they started school. Kai is still too young, but the girls have been participating in classes since school started.

Mer is mischievous, but does very well considering how young she is. Hani is a natural. The structure and the outlet for big feelings that doesn't involve talking make it a perfect activity for her. They finally tested for their while belt last week. It was... fun. Weird. Exciting. Heart stopping.

I was so scared that it wouldn't go well. Neither of my girls does well with embarrassment. Plus, Nathan was the one who had to test them. And they still have a hard time separating daddy that they hug and wrestle with and Master Nathan at the gym. But they were great. So great. And they each broke a board. They were kind of bubbling over... it was so fun.

And I am really so proud... as are they.

Grim Determination

2011-12-01T21:50:00.001-06:00

So, we are smack dab in the middle of the holiday season. We just celebrated our first Thanksgiving with our whole family together. It was great. Good food, good conversation, passing around my seriously adorable niece, Eleanore...

All of my kids had fun. At least, I think they did. These family celebrations have proved to be difficult for Hana.

I knew they might, so we talked about it ahead of time. She had a billion questions, "Where will we eat? What will we eat? Do they have a table? Will we sit at the table? What will Eleanore do while we are eating? What will Eleanore do while we are cooking? What can we play with?" Etc. Things that would never have occurred to me to tell her. She had a lot of anxiety about the whole thing, even though I kept telling her it was just a meal. A meal like any other meal we have with our extended family. Lots of people adoring her, lots of food she likes... all fun stuff.

I knew in an abstract way why Hana would be nervous. She'd never done Thanksgiving before, and she likes to do things right. Not just right... the BEST. If she is going to do Thanksgiving, she wants to do whatever Thanksgiving is better than anyone has EVER done Thanksgiving. Feeling like that is stressful, I'm sure. But I never connected the dots. Never understood in a concrete way why this is so hard, until we went to get our Christmas tree.

I wanted it to be fun... we went through the whole day's plan. First we'll eat breakfast. Then we will get dressed and drive to the tree farm. Then we will pick a tree that we like and cut it down. Then we will bring it home. It wasn't enough. Hana was in tears. She needed to know how we cut it down. She needed to know how we will pick the right tree. She needed to know how it would be carried into the house, where it would sit and how it would stay upright. It was all just so... stressful. This fun, happy, first Christmas tree experience wasn't fun or happy or exciting... and I didn't understand.

Until we were in the car on the way to the tree farm. Nathan and I started singing Jingle Bells. Meron joined in. Hani didn't know the song, so we tried to teach it to her. She attacked that song with grim determination, just as she does every new thing she wants to master. She demanded we tell her the lyrics again and again. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what her life has been for the past year. Exactly this.

Everyone around her knows what to do. They know the expected behavior and the expected emotions. They understand the give and take of their family and school. They communicate with an ease that must seem very like telepathy to someone who doesn't see the small signals. And she tries. Oh she tries. She attacks every situation with that same grim determination to fit in. To feel like as much a part of the action as everyone else. To feel like she is part of this new, strange world she has landed in. She has no context for Christmas or Jingle Bells, Thanksgiving or Halloween. She doesn't know why the songs she has worked so hard to learn are suddenly exchanged for new songs that everyone knows but her. She studies those around her so that she knows how to act and what is expected. She asks questions when she gets nervous so that when we get to this mysterious "Thanksgiving" she won't be the only one who doesn't know what is going on.

It brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine how exhausting and discouraging this task is. No wonder any change in the routine she has learned is met with anxiety. It is just a new situation that she has to analyze and master, with no associations of the joy that come with it. She doesn't have any, "Remember when's" to talk about or pictures to look at. We survived getting the Christmas tree home and put up in the stand. We assured Hana that we didn't need to feed it, just give it water. We got out the decorations and practiced some more Christmas songs and taught our daughter how to hang ornaments. And then I remembered. Last year, we bought an ornament for her. I found it in the box and told her that it was hers from last Christmas. I said that we were so sad that you weren't home with us then, and I picked this ornament out especially for you. And that I was so happy that this year she was here to pick out her own ornament. Her whole face lit up as she hugged it to herself. She said, "Yes, this is from our tree last year. I know." and hung her ornament up on our tree. She helped put the star on top and stood and looked at it, smiling.

Here's to firsts. And to the fact that next year, she'll have some "Remember when's" of her own.

Bursting... with... stuff...

2011-11-10T20:59:00.001-06:00

You will remember from this post, potty training is not our strong suit. You definitely can't claim toilet training proficiency when it took the intervention of a dog with the IQ of a quail suffering from a brain injury to teach your daughter how to use the potty.
Enter Malakai.

He is a delightful young man in incalculable ways, but one of his more frustrating traits is that he is, in the grand tradition of children in our family, adamantly against anything that we feel strongly would be beneficial in easing the financial burden of a herd of children who eat like a camp of lumber jacks. As such, he was profoundly anti potty training. We thought confidently of his fixation on candy and decided that we would cave as we did with Meron and give him candy every time he uses the bathroom. This was unsuccessful at first for two reasons: first, we don't like to clean pee off of the floor or poop out of underwear and second, we had a teen age nanny all summer long who was lovely, but not as committed to the potty training quest as we were. So, after a highly unhygienic and incredibly disgusting experience of cleaning poo out of a pair of swimming trunks, I admitted defeat and retreated.
But lately, Kai has been showing unmistakable signs that he is ready. Interested in the potty, staying dry for long periods of time, etc. We decided to leap in again. And he did great. Yay for Kai. Except... he was scared to poop on the toilet. Not like, concerned about it. Terrified. Like a giant alligator would appear the moment the deed was done and bite his suspended tush. We begged. We pleaded. We bribed shamelessly. All to no avail. Until he saw the truck. Oh, the truck. Malakai is fascinated by fire trucks. While wandering the aisles of a dollar store, Malakai saw this truck and his eyes literally popped out of his head. It wails. It beeps. It makes... all sorts of horrible screechy noises that are unidentifiable to me, but make him leap with glee. So, we did what any terrible parents would do and promised him a fire truck if he would poo on the potty. He ran desperately to the potty in the store, but with no satisfactory result. He was disappointed, but determined.
The next evening while everyone was enjoying some post supper crazy time, Malakai suddenly disapeared. We didn't notice right away (do you need me to reiterate that we aren't great parents?). He came out of the bathroom, sans pants and announced that he had produced "kaka."
I looked at Nathan. Our eyes met in mingled hope and disbelief. Nathan sprinted to the bathroom to find said kaka in the toilet.
Now, I imagine that in finer homes, the discovery of poo in a toilet after the emergence of a child would be proof of depositor. Not so in our home. We have three small children, all of whom often forget to flush. We had been fooled before when Malakai claimed a kaka that clearly wasn't his (don't make me go into how we figured out who it belonged to).
Nathan frantically began interrogating the girls and I. "Is this yours?! Did you do this?! WHO DID THIS?!" I read it as excitement, but the girls apparently read this behavior as "Daddy has finally been pushed off the deep end by poop." and began to slowly back away while shaking their heads. He advanced on me next, but I proclaimed ~~innocence~~ ignorance. He ran to Malakai who was standing proudly by the toilet and flipped him upside down like a rubber duckie flipped by a carny and roared with ecstasy "IT'S HIS! HE POOPED IN THE POTTY!!!" Nathan then proceded to hoist him into the air ala Simba in "The Li0n King" while the girls jumped around in circles cheering and clapping. And then Nathan gave him an entire bag of jelly beans.
I seriously laughed so hard I fell over. I love them so much. And we're all proud.

Especially this guy.

Beauteous.

2011-11-10T20:56:00.001-06:00

The much anticipated event...

2011-11-07T23:08:00.000-06:00

One of the absolute best things about adopting older children is watching all of their 'firsts.' Babies have a first Halloween, too, but they don't care. Hana, however, was beside herself.
We talked about it for a long time leading up to the big event... she likes to know what to expect. It was funny trying to explain it to an intelligent, aware little girl.
"So, I know you aren't supposed to knock on stranger's doors, but we are going to go knock on the doors of all of the people in the neighborhood. No, it doesn't matter if you don't know them... but look and see if their porch lights are on. Then you will say 'trick or treat' and they will give you candy. And you have to dress up in a costume. I don't know what kind... like a princess or a turtle or a ghost or something. Why? Umm... that is a long and complicated explanation. Ask your father. Oh, and we are also going to hollow out pumpkins and carve faces on them"

Yup... already prepping for Christmas. In fact, last night she started crying and said she doesn't like it when we tease her when Nathan told her that we will be bringing a tree into the house and will be putting decorations on it. And don't get me started on Easter... Ever tried explaining the whole connection between the resurrection of Christ and chocolate and bunnies to a child who has been in America for 3 months and doesn't really speak English? It went something like this, "Umm... well... the bunny hid the eggs we colored and was sorry and gave you some candy... because... I don't know. Put your bunny ears on and eat your chocolate. We're taking a picture." So, there was a lot of discussion on exactly what the costume would be. It is an important decision for any kid, but Hani didn't know what everyone else would be wearing. First she said a deer. Then a cheer leader, (although she didn't know the word for cheer leader and just started chanting rhythmically "My name is Hana, I'm a banana." when trying to get us to understand her). She finally settled on a ghost. Nathan gave her the option of scary or funny and she said scary. She wanted to be a brown ghost though, and not a white ghost. Which, because I'm an idiot, took me a while to figure out... in fact, I figured it out when she said, "But mom, I'M BROWN!" Oh... yeah... well, good! I'm glad she wanted to stay that way. Unfortunately we had no brown sheets we were willing to sacrifice, and were worried about sending her out in the dark covered in all dark brown. So, we settled on a white ghost with a brown face. But then she picked green. I don't know, it was confusing for all of us. She was extraordinarily cute. Although once she realized that Meron, who was unswerving in her dedication to being an Ethiopian Princess for the second year in a row, would be wearing eye shadow, the appeal of being scary began to diminish. So, Hani was a stylish ghost with shimmery eye shadow... which is more challenging than you might think to apply through eye holes in a sheet.

And Meron was an Ethiopian princess.

Malakai had an even harder time deciding on a costume. His first request was to be "Oh Susanna." I know... but he really likes that song. I didn't know what we were going to do... wig and cardboard banjo? Plastered in sheet music? Thankfully he changed his mind and wanted to be a car. Well... he wanted to be a princess car. Don't think less of me... but I really didn't want him to be a princess car. I mean, we don't believe in forcing strict gender roles on our children. He wears heels and purses and shiny necklaces all the time at home. He likes to get to be the princess when they are all playing and tonight at the taekwondo gym he announced to everyone that he had a big baby in his belly and he had to push it out (although he gave birth to a car... so... you know...). But I don't know what the hell a princess car is. A car a princess would drive? A car with a tiara? A car that has a princess painted on it? We are not that creative. Nathan stayed up until 1am the night before Halloween making this awesome car. Seriously, he loved it.

Until he tried to put a piece of candy into the bag and discovered his hands didn't touch. Nor could they reach his mouth, which was actually kind of handy since we didn't have to keep telling him to put the candy away and stop eating it... It was a little reminiscent of Randy's snow suit in "A Christmas Story" Way funny. Especially when he dropped his candy bag, because he couldn't see anything underneath him. And then he had to try to bend down and pick it up. Nathan is a much better person than I, because he helped him right away. He did confess afterwards that he was really tempted to just see what happened... after all, Kai had bumpers. He wouldn't have gotten hurt.

All in all, it was a really fun night. A first that we got to share.

Now back to trying to explain the whole, pilgrams, Native Americans and turkeys deal... You see, there were these people who invaded a country they had no right to be in and decided it was theirs, but then the people who had lived there originally took pity on them and gave them a bunch of food, so now we eat turkey and sweet potatoes with marshmallows on them....

Skills

2011-10-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

My girl has got skills. Seriously... athletic scholarship here we come.

And here is some wicked cuteness. Can you tell a marching band practices in front of our house every morning? Mer is marching backwards directing and Hani is being a flag girl. Leah, their seriously sweet cousin, is being a good sport. And cute.

And there was much rejoicing...

2011-10-17T22:23:00.008-05:00

I have a new camera cord!!
So, it has been so long since I took these pictures that I forgot that I had most of them. So glad to find them!
Here are the kids getting off their various school buses. Breaks. My. Heart.

With Nathan. I love them so.

At the skate park... which is much more fun than the actual park. The quarter pipe makes a great slide... if a little dangerous!

My sweet guy.

Hani

Not thrilled about being asked to smile for the camera... but they were all laying there so perfectly for a picture!

Hani again

Dooter

Mimi

Love this picture... especially Kai's grimace/smile...

That is the black walnut tree that my parents planted for me when I was born. The same one on which they have spent the last 10 years cultivating a swing worthy limb.

My seriously cute niece, Eleanore, getting baptized. Seriously... so cute.

A trip to Fargo for my birthday... we took the kids to Yunker's farm, which they LOVED. But I was cranky because we went to a children's museum on my birthday... not that it wasn't fun, but I wanted to do stuff that I wanted to do... but anything I wanted to do would not have been fun while chasing the kids around trying to keep them from breaking things. So we went this route. And had a lovely time.

I kind of love these pictures. I love how Meron is looking at his face.

And how Kai is absolutely terrified of him, but really wants to play with the statue like the big kids!

Mer and Hani went on their first ever Ferris Wheel.

Hani's first day of head start.

The birthday cake that Nathan and the kids made for me.

Just cuteness...

And Mer's best bad ass face.

Oh the things you have missed...

2011-10-15T09:19:00.010-05:00

Anybody still there? Hello?!

Let me explain... no there is too much. Let me sum up. (Bonus points if you get what movie that is from)

So broken computer and missing camera cord leading to an inability to charge or remove pictures from my camera = really poor blogging.

*Everyone started school. It is going well. They are mostly well behaved, lovely and charming. Was there any doubt that this would be the case? Maybe... Mer has class clown tendencies. I may have been a little worried about that.

*Hani has gone from never holding a pencil to drawing people. Like, recognizable people with faces, hair, limbs and digits. In 8 months. It is kind of like when we came home with Meron and she couldn't even roll over and then a month later she was crawling and three months later she was walking. Like all the developmental steps we missed happening at lightening speed. Way. Cool.

* There was some fall out due to the change in routine. Wow. I'm not going to say more, just cry quietly in the corner. Things seem to be sorting themselves out after the implementations of the world most ridiculously strict boundaries and a sticker chart.

*The girls started in Nathan's taewkondo class. They are total rock stars. Meron was still only 3 when she started, and she did better than some of the 5-7 year olds. And Hani? DIGS the structure and manners and rules. Such clearly defined boundaries. A place to take out some of her pent up feelings. Boat loads of positive feedback. It is perfect for her. Kai is still too little... but he stands in the back and does warm up with everyone.

*Did I mention there is no way on earth that Hani is really only 4 1/2? A couple of weeks ago I was doing Mer's hair and Hani came down and asked for breakfast. I told her she could get out the stuff for cereal and call me when she was ready. She didn't call, so I went to check. She was sitting at the table eating her cereal and milk. She had even already put away the milk jug (which was full, by the way) and the cereal box. That combined with her desperate pleas to be able to go to school all day and her increasingly advanced sense of humor make me think she is 6 or 6 1/2. Oh, and the fact that she is still growing at least 3/4 of an inch a month.

* Meron turned 4!!! Much excitement.... I now have two 4 year olds and a 3 year old. The local college's home coming parade happens to be held right around the day of her birthday every year. And it happens to go right past Nathan's gym. It is kind of a perfect location for a party... big, open, padded, lots of fun equipment... free... We had a lovely time. Meron got to have friends come for the first time, which was great. We had weird pizza (spaghetti pizza, chili pizza, pot roast pizza complete with mashed potatoes, gravy and corn) for lunch per her request. We also had a dance party. And she got a really cool doll from Ethiopia. And some other cool dolls, books and clothes, along with a puzzle that has proved to be a LOT of fun. And a purple bike with a bell. At the end of the party she came up to me and Nathan and said, "Thank you Mommy and Daddy for my party. I had really really fun." Melt me.

And pictures... thankfully my parents had a camera for the party and generously let me borrow it.

The birthday girl. Oh, my heart. Where did my baby go?

We love a parade...

"Obstacle course" in the gym. Pretty fun. Plus they were pretending to be giant turtles with blue shells. Plus, since the party was preceded by a two hour long parade, I didn't have to supply candy.

Meron wanted a purple butterfly cake. Grammy delivers.

My Hani... getting so big, and prettier every day. The party was hard for her. She hasn't had a birthday party... ever. Her birthday was about two weeks before we brought her home. She is extremely competitive with Meron. All these things led to some pretty rough days coming up to the party. We actually had a contingency plan for Nathan and I tagging off walking with her outside during the party if it got to be too much. But she was awesome. She did great, even when Mer got a new bike. I was so proud of her.

Bike helmet... way cute. Riding her new bike in her fluffy purple party dress... even cuter.

Meron and Rahel.

The face Malakai makes when I ask him to smile so I can take a picture.
His real smile. Such a handsome devil.

My three babies... on their way to be greeters at church with Grammy and Papa... we practiced saying "Good morning! Welcome!" all morning.

bummer...

2011-09-22T21:44:00.001-05:00

so...our computer died. I may be taking a blogging break since it is very difficult to type with a W.ii remote. Lots of stuff going on- mostly great. School going well, girls started doing taekwondo in Nathan's gym...us which they love... Hopefully computer revived soon!!

For my Mum...

2011-08-29T21:20:00.003-05:00

Who gets sad without frequent pictures. Thanks for the early birthday present, Mom and Dad!

Oh My Achin' Heart...

2011-08-27T21:30:00.006-05:00

So... three years ago we met Meron. Sweet baby, huh? Here is what I wrote about what went down...

Three years to the day later, I walked her to school for the first time, along with her older sister and younger brother. I couldn't have imagined then what our family would be like today. It didn't take me long to realize she'd be sassy and sweet and lovely and precious to me. I could never have guessed how compassionate, tender hearted, funny, precocious and maddeningly obstinate she would become.

I had butterflies in my stomach the whole morning before she had to be at school. I knew how Malakai would be at school... not great at listening but can follow along and be good natured and charming. I know Hani will be a good listener and a perfectionist and will love school when she starts at a different school next week. I didn't know what Meron would do. She needs things to be on her terms, and I was so worried she would clam up or be too shy or cry when we left.

Meron did none of those things. She went right in, took the Principal's hand when she led her to the classroom, and started playing. When Mal started crying when we had to leave, she came over and held his hand and patted him on the back and said, "Mommy and Daddy will come back in a little bit. It's okay." He trusts and loves her so much. He stopped crying and held onto her hand for dear life. She gave me a kiss and went back to playing, Malakai pulled along behind her.

I am full of anxiety about the hurts she will inevitably receive from the world, because I want so much to protect her from all of the ugliness that is out there. And so sad that she is that much closer to not needing me... to leaving and becoming this whole other person whose life is separate from mine. It is so much worse with her than it is with Hani and Kai, because they were already big when they came to our family. They have never needed me in the same ways that Meron did.... so it doesn't feel like such a loss to me that they won't need me as much.

But I am also so very proud of the person she is becoming and excited to watch the things she will do and the ways she will make her world a better place. And I am hopeful that she will always need her mama, at least a little bit.

Anger

2011-08-08T23:07:00.003-05:00

I know people don't read this blog (people meaning my 10 loyal readers) to get yelled at... or to listen to me rant. I know my last post was kind of a downer. Sorry. This one is going to be kinda crappy too. Because I am angry. So. Angry. And I don't want to talk about how cute my kids are (though they are beautiful beyond words). And I don't want to talk about how Hani is going to head start screening tomorrow (though my heart aches with pride and anxiety). I don't want to talk about the funny stories Mer has been telling me or how we are seeing more and more of Mal's dimples and of his defiant side. The only thing I really want to talk about is how angry I am.
29,000 children under the age of 5 have died in the Horn of Africa in the last 90 days. 29,000 children like mine... or younger. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Tens of thousands more deaths are coming. And we could stop it! The world has the resources to stop this from happening and we aren't! I don't understand why. I am so angry I want to shake people and scream. Don't they see? Don't they understand? Why don't these children matter?
If 29,000 children died in Texas in the last 90 days, the world wouldn't stand for it. People would come together to donate food and supplies. There would be help coming from the entire world. Why are 29,000 children in Texas any different, more worthy of help, than 29,000 children in Somalia and Ethiopia? Nobody would talk about anything else. Think about how much news coverage was given to a shooting in Norway. It was a tragedy. Absolutely. Those families were torn apart and will forever experience a grief I pray I never understand. But what about the 29,000 families in Ethiopia and Somalia that are experiencing the same loss? How much are we talking about them?

Ever see the movie "Hotel Rwanda?" It takes place during the Rwandan genocide in 1994. In a film full of awful moments, the most awful to me was when a Rwandan named Paul was trying desperately to get media attention. He thought that once the whole world knew what was going on, they would stop the slaughter. Jack, an American, told him it wouldn't matter. Paul replied, "How can they not do anything? Don't they care?" Jack told him "I think that when people turn on their TVs and see this footage, they'll say, 'Oh my God, that's horrible,' and then they'll go back to eating their dinners." He was right, of course. 800,000 people died before anyone tried to do anything.
Isn't that what we're doing? We see the news footage. We think it is awful. Then we go back to our own lives and our stack of bills that need to get paid and our problems at work and at home. And we forget. Because it is easier? More comfortable? Because the problem is so big it is overwhelming? All of those things are true. But it doesn't make us any less awful.

And it doesn't make it less awful that on my MSN news page it has headlines including "15 Mood Busting Ideas for Summer," "7 Homes for $300 K around the World" and "Mystery Woman Revealed in Elvis Photo" and doesn't say anything about the fact that right now, the sun is rising over the Horn of Africa, and today, thousands more children will die... and we could stop it, but we aren't. And I am angry. At all of us... and myself. But that doesn't help the 29,000 children that will die in the next 90 days, does it?

I'm done yelling about it. My next post will be about how much I love my children, because it isn't helping for me to yell and be angry. The only thing that will help is giving as much as I can, so I will know that at least I did something. Even though it won't be enough. And I hope you will, too.

Tragedy

2011-07-22T18:18:00.003-05:00

Last week when Hani and I were weeding, she very carefully pulled a long piece of long grass, exposing the sweet, succulent piece at the bottom. She put it in her mouth and sucked on it saying, "Mama! This is water like in Sidama!" She explained that she was very thirsty in Sidama, and that she learned to pull the long grass up so that she could suck the scant water from the end. I can't stop thinking about how thirsty she must have been to appreciate that little drop of water.

Melese is little. I mean, not even on the charts for his age... except for his head. The first time we brought him to the doctor he was at less than 5th percentile for height, less than 5th percentile for weight and 84th percentile for head circumference. Kinda funny, right? His huge head on this little tiny body. We joke that he is like a lawn dart, because every time he falls he falls directly to his head. We actually wondered if he might be a little person, because his proportions are so different than any toddler we had ever seen. But he's not. He's actually so little because when the body is malnourished, it tries to save itself by sending all of the nutrients to the brain. The rest of the body stops developing, in the hopes that the brain can be saved.

Hani and Melese are from Sidama. It is the birthplace of coffee. The land is beautiful, but harsh. People survive by being subsistence farmers. And there is a drought. There has been for several years in a row. I read one report that struck a chord with me, since I am a farmer's daughter. They said that a local farmer, Hussein Muhammad, rubbed two sheaves of wheat together and the husks turned to dust in his hand. His whole field. Everything he had planted was gone. They have no crops left. Their watering holes have dried up and their livestock are dead or dying. Food prices have risen 270% in some areas.

The famine that is coming will effect 15 million people. In 1980, Ethiopia became famous for pictures of starving children. Over one million people died. One million. That's like the city of Dallas starving to death. This famine is expected to be far, far worse. I can't comprehend what that would look like. But Hani and Melese can. They've spent days, weeks, months being thirsty. And hungry. Feelings that the average American really don't have any clue about. They are safe now. Eating pasta salad and far too much ketchup right this minute. But the family that they left behind in Sidama are right in the heart of the area hardest hit. Three little boys are on my mind, just three out of millions, are sitting in the hot sun being hungry and thirsty and maybe dying. And they are breaking my freaking heart. I can't help them specifically. But maybe, just maybe, if enough money for food and water and help goes towards Sidama, a little trickle will get to them.

I have said it before and I will say it again, that my children are beautiful and special and miraculous. They are these amazing little people who I fully expect to change the world. But it was nothing that we did that made them so special. There are millions of children, just as special and wonderful and incredible as they are. They should be growing up to change the world and they aren't. They are dying. Their parents are listening to them cry for food... food that they can't give them. And this is a travesty. And it makes me so angry... and so ashamed.

I can't stand the thought of those little boys with my son's eyes waiting for food that will not come, so we're going to help. And I hope you will, too. Here are some ways you can.

Plumpy Nut Fundraiser- Plumpy Nut is a life saving food suplement. It has been proven to work better than anything else that they have tried.

Doctors Without Borders

Not Your Mama's Popovers (if your Mama could cook, that is)

2011-07-13T19:23:00.003-05:00

If you are desperately looking for something to cook for supper and your cupboard looks like this...

and you don't want a meal consisting of plain noodles or plain rice (or noodles or rice with grape jelly on them) and you think to yourself, "Self, remember when you used to make popovers and make a filling? That was delicious! Why don't you do that any more?"
It is at this time that you might spontaneously decide to start making popovers for supper.
You might think, "All that they are made of is eggs, milk, flour... we have everything!"
But then you might start cooking and realize that you don't have regular milk, you only have almond milk. You'll probably decide that this will work fine. And then, once all of the eggs and milk are beaten together and it has gone to far to turn back, you might realize that you only have wheat flour. You'll continue on, not wanting to waste all those eggs and milk. And then you might remember that the reason you quit making popovers was that your popover pan broke and all you have is a muffin tin. You'll convince yourself they are pretty much the same thing. But they aren't. And then, your popovers will turn out looking something like this:
Little, eggy, hockey pucks. Which, I might add, are very difficult to fill with the truly delicious creamed vegetable mixture you made. So you'll have to slop it all on top and hope it hides what your children might dubiously refer to as "muffins."
Theoretically speaking, of course.

My Hani...

2011-07-06T21:26:00.007-05:00

When we went to Ethiopia to visit, Hana was terribly scared of us. She cried every time she saw us. I went upstairs to help feed Melese and Nathan was left with Hana in the courtyard with only the guard to keep them company. When I came back downstairs, Hana was slowly walking back and forth across the courtyard with Nathan holding one of her hands and the guard holding the other. It was then that I saw the first little glimmer of that sunshine... her huge eyes blinking like an owl.
When we came to bring her home, Hani was excited to see us. She cried once when we got to the guest house and everything suddenly got really real. She loved the clothes and toys we brought for her, and wanted to make sure she got to keep them. Every day she packed everything that belonged to her in her 'bursa,' a big, red Hello Kitty bag. It was so heavy, but she wanted to carry it herself, and she wouldn't leave anything behind. Every night when she started to get tired or she had had enough of trying to communicate with us, she would go to her bed, carefully set her shoes at the foot, and climb into bed. When I woke up in the morning, she was always watching me sleep. I often wonder how much she actually slept during those hot, humid nights as we listened to the sound of the herd of donkeys under our window and the hyenas digging through the garbage pile that was at the end of our neighborhood.

When we went back to the care center and saw her friends, she told them all, "I've been with Americans all night! I can hardly even believe it is true!" At least, that's what the nannies said that she had said. It could have been, "Wow, that crazy white lady sure does snore!"
Things were a fairy tale for her at first. So much attention and love. No real competition, because she had me and Melese had Nathan. She was content and happy and cooperative and pleasant for the entire trip home. And then her competition, in the form of Meron, arrived.

I have never done anything so hard as to try to learn how to love Yenenesh while she was being mean to Meron. Every. Single. Thing. was a competition. Every thing that went contrary to what Hana wanted was a slight and a sure sign that we hated her. She went through about a week of tantrums that lasted for an hour at a time and occurred several times per day. It was so hard to be the mom that I wanted to be for her. I was at war with myself, understanding her need to control her environment and find her place in our family, her incredible grief and confusion and trauma... but hating what she was doing to Meron and to Melese and to Nathan and I. I know that others have tales far, far worse than I concerning their newly adopted 4 year olds, and I knew all of the things that could happen. But nothing could have prepared me for trying to protect two children, one of whom was being hurt and the other who was hurting.
After that first week, an uneasy calm descended. She was... a lot. Too much. Too eager to please, too in our faces, too upset at any type of redirection, no matter how gentle. It was easier to deal with her, but still hard to like her. Because it wasn't her. Not the real her. Then, the other shoe dropped. We went through a week in which she finally found her voice. Told us off at every turn. And then, at the end, sat in my arms and cried for her family in Ethiopia. She finally had enough language to ask why. And I told her. And she understood. And she transformed into this... wonderful little person she was meant to be... the one I got just a glimpse of on our first trip to Ethiopia. The one I can't do without.

My Hani is pure sunshine. She is sweet and good and kind and helpful. She is a perfectionist and a fierce competitor. She is so open and loving and trusting, which is absolutely miraculous if you take into consideration what she has gone through. I don't understand how it is possible that my tiny, chubby little girl with her big belly and sad eyes turned into this tall, achingly lovely girl.

I rocked with her tonight, before I put her to bed. She almost purrs with contentment when I hold her. She looks into my eyes and glows, soaking up my love. We have a game that we play, that she started when she was working on remembering her English words. She says she loves me as big as the room. I say I love her like the house. She says she loves me like a train. I love her like 20 trains. She loves me (said very excitedly) like 5!! trains (still working on counting...). Tonight, I said I loved her like the whole world and my Hani Yenenesh said, "I love you like... like... my family" and gave me a big kiss on the nose. I can't think of anything bigger than that.

One year ago....and Three Years Ago- Edited to fix links

2011-06-30T22:29:00.008-05:00

Three years (and a couple of days) ago, we saw your sweet, sweet face. Here is what we had to say that day... and how it happened...
And one year ago we saw these sweet, sad faces....

I would never have been able to imagine who the little people in these pictures would become. And who we have become as a family? For that I am most profoundly grateful. I love you little peeps.

Motherhood Lesson # 852 That I Wish I Wouldn't Have Learned First Hand

2011-06-22T20:52:00.003-05:00

Motherhood Lesson #852 That I Wish I Wouldn't Have Had to Learn First Hand:
When one is diapering a freshly lotioned two year old who is screaming and trying to rub all of the lotion off of his face while one's naked, freshly lotioned three year old jumps onto one's back and begins loudly demanding help with her 'unnawear' and one's freshly lotioned, naked four year old starts leaning on said diapering individual and making increasingly whiny demands for hugs in spite of being asked to wait until said two year old is, in fact, diapered, and the dogs in the kitchen start a barking frenzy that should be reserved for attacking Nazi's but is probably in response to one of the baby rabbits who has taken up residence on the other side of the fence in the backyard, and all of the naked, freshly lotioned children demand an explanation for the riot under their feet, one should refrain from stating one's belief that the barking is in response to a baby bunny, in hopes of avoiding the giant, naked, lotiony pile of crying children that will inevitably result when they all attempt to run down the hall at the same time to see the baby bunny.
That is all.

PS- I dare you to come up with a longer sentence.

Singing the Moon...

2011-06-21T21:00:00.004-05:00

An explanation.
Every family has their own language. We all have our inside jokes, our favorite stories.. the things that remind us that we do love each other, and why. To me, these things are almost sacred. Singing the moon is one of those sweet, secret phrases in my family's language. It is one of my two favorites (the other being, "I love you the whole world" if you were wondering).
It started with me singing Meron to sleep every night. She didn't sleep. I mean... seriously didn't sleep. Right after Meron came home, there was a time period of several months in which it took us about 2 hours to get her to fall asleep. She would sing, talk, wiggle, pull her ears, scratch herself and physically hold her eyes open to stay awake. I would hold her and sing lullabies, always starting with a song that Ernie sang on Sesame Street:

"Oh, I'd like to visit the moon, on a rocket ship high in the air.
Yes, I'd like to visit the moon, but I don't think I'd like to stay there.
I would like to look down at the earth from above, but I'd miss all the places and people I love.
So although I might like it for one afternoon, I don't want to live on the moon..."

I remember several times being so tired that I couldn't remember any words but those. I'd sing them over and over for hours before Meron would finally collapse in exhaustion. I'd carefully lay her down, tip toe out of her room and go downstairs to relax. Then, twenty to thirty minutes later, she'd wake up screaming and we'd start the whole process over again. It was awful. I knew she was scared. She had decided that she liked us and was scared that we wouldn't be there when she woke up.
After a while, as soon as I started singing she would relax. She knew I was there. She knew it was safe. She knew I loved her. Things slowly got better. We added new songs to our bedtime repertoire. Hana and Malakai came home, and they learned our songs and our family language.
Now, whenever things are sad or scary or lonely, they ask for me to comfort them the same way Meron started to as soon as she learned to talk- "Can you sing me the moon, mama?" And they know I am here, that their world is safe, and that I love them.

For the Dads

2011-06-21T18:55:00.004-05:00

For theirs:

And mine:

I am truly lucky. And oh so grateful.
Happy father's day to my dad, my grandpa and my husband. I love you all, and am so glad that my son has you for his examples of what it means to be a man.

Life is but a Dream...

2011-06-21T18:51:00.002-05:00

76 Trombones...

2011-06-21T18:41:00.002-05:00

This parade was considerably smaller than that... no bands, just lots of tractors and fire trucks. And lots and lots of candy thrown. Not a bad introduction to parades, especially for the newly truck and tractor obsessed among us...

Malakai Melese

2011-06-06T20:49:00.007-05:00

Oh how he has changed...

The first time we met him he spent the entire visit glaring at Nathan from the corner of his eye. He was willing to tolerate my presence as long as I didn't look at him or touch him. The nannies finally just dumped him in my lap, patted him on the head and left me with this little boy who screamed and flailed. He finally was so desperate for comfort that he turned around and hugged me.
He would sit on my lap as long as I didn't move and as long as we were outside. He wouldn't let me take him inside. Or look at him. Or move so much as an inch. And poor Nathan! If he got in Melese's line of sight, Melese started to scream. Like blood curdling, these people are murdering me screams. It didn't get better the second or third time we met.

He spent all of his time carrying as many things as he could hold. He even carried sweets we gave him. When I brought him back to his room, I saw him put them in his bed. My heart literally broke. He was so small and scared and confused and I was just making it worse. I have never felt so guilty as I did when I told the judge that I wanted to adopt him. I knew it would rip away what little peace he had found.. but I also knew that his new found content was just a temporary solution.

He remembered us when we came to bring him home, and he was not pleased. Finally it was time to go. When he was placed on Nathan's lap in the van, he froke out. It.Was.Awful. For all concerned. But as soon as the van started moving he stopped crying and decided that Nathan was his new safety net.

He slept in a big sweaty ball on Nathan's chest for a long time. But slowly, oh so slowly, he began to open up. And at some point, we realized he was funny.. Like really, really funny. And then we realized that he was sweet. And caring and really... so seriously funny.
He still had issues with needing to control everything (who could blame him). For the first couple of weeks he was home, any transition at all was met with anger. Shoes on? That pissed him off. Time to take the shoes off now? Holy cow, the world is ending. I was frequently torn between feeling terrible for him and how insecure he must be feeling and furious because he had yet again bloodied my lip by screaming and flailing and swinging his head around about some minor change.

He was pretty ambivalent about me for a long time, but that is slowly changing. Every step towards attaching was a battle. Nathan was the one who was going to make sure he was safe, not me. Nathan was supposed to comfort him, not me.

He cuddles with me now. He loves to play with my hair and when he is trying to calm himself down he combs it in front of my face so he can blow it away and see me again.

He needs to feel my skin. And even when he is furious with me, he still wants me to pick him up... because he needs me. Finally. And now, I have found that I need him, too.
I love you, little Doot.

Photo credit for the last picture goes to Elz. Want to see some more seriously cute pictures of my babies? Check out her blog: http://www.abrightblot.blogspot.com/

Splish...

2011-06-05T18:16:00.004-05:00

Splash...
Dear Weekend,
Thanks for letting us stay home all weekend. We had a great time.
Sincerely,
Kate

Changing the Blog Title...

2011-05-26T00:15:00.003-05:00

Yes, again. I lovely lady whose blog I had never seen kindly told me that her blog was entitled "Three Little Birds" and had been for longer than mine. Not wishing to be a copy catter, I thought it was time for a change.
So... welcome to the newly designed and named "Singing the Moon." I better quit changing titles though, or I'll lose the three readers I still have!

Why Grandparents are Awesome...

2011-05-18T21:40:00.005-05:00

A New Us

2011-05-02T08:16:00.007-05:00

As I write, these three...

seem to be playing a very complicated game together. It involves Yenenesh making Meron and Melese sit in two different spots and then take turns switching. There are varying degrees of compliance. If I am understanding it correctly, they are taking turns sitting on a waterwing and playing with the toy vacuum. Their play is often like that lately.

One of the two girls bosses everyone around and enforces rules. It is interesting to hear myself coming out of their mouths.

I hear a lot of "Do you think you need to sit down and think about that for a while?" and "I'm really really late! We have to hurry!" Yup... I say those things a lot. There is also a lot of pretending to be babies. Two of the kids start to pretend cry, and the other strokes their backs and says, "Honey it's okay." About as much sweetness as you could ever want.

I have also heard the less flattering "Oh for Gosh SAKES!!" a few times, as well as "I'm really tired and crabby!" once or twice... but I think I'll blame that one on Nathan.

I was so afraid, before Yenenesh and Melese came home and for a month after, that we wouldn't ever get our 'groove' back.

That tightness that comes from being a family who loves each other. Knowing all the same songs and doing the same actions, laughing at old inside jokes, all getting excited for popcorn soup night and not feeling like you need to tiptoe around each other or keep on the mask you wear around people who aren't in the club.Nathan and Mer and I, we were an us.

And then when we added two more people to the family, it was hard to find us again. We couldn't do all the same things for Meron that we used to. We couldn't make her the absolute center of the universe and the only person in the spotlight.

These two deserved to be in the center, too.

But it was so hard! That cohesiveness wasn't there and it left all of us off balance and upset. I felt so guilty about what I had taken from Meron.
Slowly but surely, it is coming together. I am starting to feel like we have given much more to her than we have taken.

Yenenesh and Melese have learned all of our songs and have taught us some new ones. We still laugh at the old jokes, but have added more to the repertoire. We are becoming a whole family instead of an us with some thems.
And it feels right... having a new us.

Intense

2011-04-13T01:35:00.003-05:00

I love Yenenesh telling this story... it is so very her. On a side note, pretty good English for being in the country for 3 months and for it being her 3rd language in 10 months, huh?

Yenenesh is intense. She hungers for our love. Sometimes she sits on my lap and I can feel her trying to soak me up... wanting to crawl into my skin. She is right in my face, giving me hugs and kisses, touching my face, looking into my eyes... just taking every ounce of me that she can. That is great. And lovely. And precious. It is also hard sometimes to remember not to pull away. It is hard to give that much of yourself as often as she needs. I have to remind myself to make sure I am open and giving her what she needs, because it can feel so... intrusive. I have a need for a lot of personal space, and having to give it up has been harder than I thought it would be.
I think a lot about what it must feel like for her, having a family again after losing hers.
She wants us so much and is so unsure about if this is for real. She is getting more sure every day, I think.

My Family

2011-04-13T01:32:00.000-05:00

Oh Park, How I Have Missed You

2011-04-06T21:18:00.005-05:00

Secrets...

2011-04-01T22:47:00.003-05:00

Mer and Yenenesh are telling secrets... The one I heard was, "Grandma poopie!!!" That led to a high degree of hilarity from all. Sorry Mom... it was funny.

Sisters of the Yarn

2011-03-16T09:09:00.003-05:00

Yarn braids... an attempt

2011-03-13T22:11:00.002-05:00

A question of names... and some way cute pictures

2011-03-09T21:15:00.003-06:00

So... we are kind of on the fence about names. As much as we love their names and the meanings and thought behind them, we are worried about how hard it is going to be. Not so much for Yenenesh, but for Melese. NOBODY can pronounce it. We end up saying it about 5 times and then whoever is trying to say it just flaps their hand and says with a laugh "Oh! I'll never get that one!" Plus, it sounds just like Melissa. We talked to Yenenesh about it, and she says she wants another name. We gave her a list of names that we liked, both Ethiopian and more traditionally American, and she chose Etta. I love the name. I chose it for the list because it is part of one of my grandmother's names. It also means pearl, and while my other grandma is named Opal (Opal was on the list we gave her too, Grandma...) I thought Pearl was kind of an homage. So... Etta Yenenesh Shenkafa and then our last name. She chose Etta Yenenesh instead of Yenenesh Etta. Yeni also chose a name she thought would be good for Melese from a list. For him she chose Malachai. I love this name too... although it would make his name awfully sing songy... Malachai Melese Shenkafa Schutz. Snicker. So, I love the names. Yenenesh picked them. Melese can actually say Malachai, while he can't say his current name. But... it seems weird. They are Yenenesh and Melese. How do we just decide that their identity will change. Thoughts?
Melese... or as Yenenesh calls him "Meloo" or "Meloona"

My big girl:

Loveliness:

I kind of love this one because it is a scene often played out at our house. Yenenesh, although she has her moments of defiance, is clearly my most compliant child (she is also the oldest, which may play a large role). I told them to sit down and smile so I could take a picture and Meron (who is clearly a class clown and delights in getting a laugh) started making farting noises. Melese finds this hilarious and Yenenesh is appalled.

Konjit Yenenesh. She is much harder to take pictures of than Mer is. She is a gorgeous girl, but it doesn't translate as easily for some reason. I like this one because you can see how lovely she is.

Cuteness.

I dig the toes. Can you see Melese's? My grandpa calls that "depression toes" and says it is from wearing shoes that were too small as a baby. That seems plausible... especially since Meloo's feet are basically squares. His second toe is on each foot is completely about the others.. pushed out of the way.

We like to call this the baby nest.

And this is what happens when you let these three:

Have unlimited access to hair supplies and your head. If you see them coming with spray bottles and combs, run people. Run fast.

I Love You.

2011-02-17T22:03:00.002-06:00

Update

2011-02-15T10:51:00.004-06:00

How are things going? I hear that a lot. The answer is complicated. Over all... much better than we ever had a right to hope for. Yenenesh and Melese seem like they want to be a part of our family, and they like us. That is huge. Not all kids want to be in a family at first.
The tantrums have gotten better for the most part. There are some big blow ups... one memorable visit to the park ended with one child (who shall remain nameless) being hauled like a sack of potatoes over Nathan's shoulder for the entire four blocks home, kicking and screaming the entire way (this was after the ten minutes of being collapsed like a puddle in the middle of the playground because he or she wanted to be the only one in the wagon instead of sharing it with siblings). These types of tantrums have really gotten few and far between, though. The competition and aggressive neediness is easing up a little. We have learned to usually take turns and share. Some things are still hard.
It is hard for Mer to share us. To not have 100% of us. That breaks my heart. I see her being sad sometimes, and I feel terribly guilty. But she also has a lot of fun. She loves having people to play with and seems genuinely glad to have a brother and sister. She is maturing in ways I kind of wish she didn't have to... but I have always had issues with wanting her to stay a baby forever. I just wish it was a little more on her terms instead of necessity.
But overall, we're okay. Great. Miles ahead of where we were even two weeks ago. And it is getting better all the time.

Preciousness

2011-02-06T21:21:00.002-06:00

The Bath Edition X 3

2011-02-03T12:19:00.003-06:00

As with most things at our house, bath time has gotten MUCH more exciting. Melese hated it the first two times we gave him a bath, and when Dooter hates something, he really lets you know (as well as letting all of the neighbors and probably space know). The third time we set him in the tub, he cried for 5 seconds until Nathan grabbed his hands and showed him how to splash. Since then, he's LOVED bath time. He wouldn't sit down at first, preferring instead to dump buckets full of water on his head. Now he sits the whole time and he and Yenenesh take turns dumping water on each other and splashing. It is the highlight of their day.
Mer... not so much. She doesn't like to get her face wet, so the other two kids' splashing doesn't go over well. We got exactly 6 pictures of all three in the tub, and the next one in the series is Meron climbing out and sternly telling the others, "Guys! Hey guys! You are getting wet on me! I am getting out!"

Once Mer is out of the tub, a splash fest the likes of which you've never imagined occurs.. much to the delight of our children... and the dismay of our bathroom.

Where is Mer during all of this? Already lotioned and jammied after her 3.5 minute bath... enjoying the show.

What we've been up to....

2011-01-27T18:30:00.005-06:00

Thanks to all for the good wishes and words of support. We appreciated them so much. For those who are interested... here is what we've been up to....

And... just for the record... we call him "Dooter" not Duder. Because he says "Doot". A lot.

Pictures... Becoming a family of 5

2011-01-24T12:40:00.005-06:00

So.... I don't really know where to start. The trip really did go as well as we could have hoped. Yenenesh was really excited to see us and took my hand right away to take me up the five flights of marble stairs to her room, where someone had hung a poster of our family above her bed. It said, "Congratulations Yenenesh and Melese on becoming part of the Schutz Family!" and they had Photo Shopped a picture of her and Melese into our family. We were buddies right away, and the only time she really got upset was when we got back to the guest house the first night. She cried for about 10 minutes while I held her, and then she wanted to play with the play dough I brought for her.

We were really worried about Melese, because he HATED Nathan the first time we went. He cried right away when he saw us and any time he felt like we were paying too much attention to him. He absolutely lost it when they put him in the van on Nathan's lap... but as soon as the van started moving he stopped. And from that moment on Melese and Nathan have been inseparable. That night, Melese had to sleep on Nathan's chest the whole night. And little man is heavy. Like, seriously heavy and compact. Nathan describes him as a sweaty medicine ball.

We did fine. Melese got a little better every day. The first day Nathan couldn't put him down at all. By the second day, Melese would grudgingly walk back and forth 'delivering things' between people. On the third day he was running around, kicking the ball and playing. He has been doing GREAT since we got home... although the airplane was a little awful for the half hour it took for everyone to board.

We had a great time staying at my parents' house. The kids got along really well and there was much squealing, running and playing. It was really lovely. When Mer woke up and saw Yenenesh, they just smiled and giggled at each other for about five minutes.

Now that we are home, things are okay. Hard. Crazy. Chaotic. Funny. Silly. Playful. Jealous. Yenenesh, who was incredibly well behaved, sweet and compliant the entire trip, has suddenly begun testing. Like, she won't wear any of her clothes, use her own things, etc. Whatever Mer has, Yeni wants. It is hard. Picking battles, choosing sides. She has been having 15-20 minutes crying fits for things such as wanting Meron's orange cup instead of her pink one (that she had picked out). But... that's getting better too. The first melt down was on the way home when she wanted pop and not water for lunch. That one lasted an hour and a half. The latest ones have been more like 10 minutes. Hopefully she is starting to understand that she can catch more flies with honey... than with whining and really really fake crying(the kind where they forget they are supposed to be crying... but then remember and start again).

Mer has been a champ, and I've told her a thousand times how proud I am of her. It is really hard to go from being Queen of All She Surveys to needing to share with a sister who can be extremely unreasonable and a brother who is really little and needs help with lots of things.

So... things are okay, and getting better fast. It is hard learning to be a family of five. Here's to hoping we're quick learners....

Home!!!

2011-01-22T00:58:00.002-06:00

More later, because I am going to bed while I still have time to sleep before the kids (!) get up. Things went great. The kids are wonderful. Meron will meet them in the morning. Pictures tomorrow... I have some seriously pretty babies.

Day 4 Good Morning Mimi!

2011-01-19T05:10:00.000-06:00

Day 3 Goodnight Mimi!

2011-01-18T19:00:00.000-06:00

Mimi

2011-01-18T05:00:00.000-06:00

Day 2 Good Night Mimi! (singing 'The Moon')

2011-01-17T19:00:00.000-06:00

Mimi!

2011-01-17T05:00:00.001-06:00

For Mimi!

2011-01-16T19:00:00.001-06:00

For Mimi

2011-01-16T05:17:00.001-06:00

In Amsterdam...

2011-01-16T01:34:00.002-06:00

We're waiting for our flight to Kenya, from there on to Addis (I wish they would just let us parachute out when we go over Ethiopia... seems a shame to fly right over it and then have to fly back. We are excited. And nervous. And scared. And excited.
Hugs to Meron... We miss you so much! We'll be home soon with your brother and sister!

For Mimi... And nobody else.

2011-01-15T18:16:00.000-06:00

Good Morning Mimi

2011-01-15T05:00:00.000-06:00

Big news....

2011-01-15T03:06:00.002-06:00

We really had decided that there was no way we were going to get to Ethiopia before February now. Until we got a call from our agency this morning advising us that the Embassy has confirmed our appointment for January 18th. Which meant we had 24 hours to pack, get tickets, get the house ready, get everything ready at work for us to be gone on leave for an extended period, drop Meron off with my parents and drive 6 hours to the airport. Ummm... yeah.
REALLY REALLY CRAZY AND EXCITING!!!
So, we got to my sister's house in St Paul at 2:30am and will be getting on a plane to New York at 1015am. From there we will go to Amsterdam and then to Nairobi before arriving in Ethiopia at 1240 in the morning on Monday.
Talk about roller coaster!!!
Barring disaster, next time you'll hear from us we'll be a united family of 5.

2011-01-12T12:44:00.002-06:00

My mom and dad made some beds for the kids. Yeah, they're awesome. So for 3 nights now, our girl who ALWAYS slept with us for significant portions of the night has slept in her own bed. In her own room. All night long.
I miss her... but I'm so proud of her.
Sitting on the bed...

Practicing...

A little light reading...

And two more beds to fill up...

We are waiting for word on when we can go to Ethiopia... theoretically we should be leaving this weekend... but it is Wednesday and we haven't heard anything. Which.Is.CRAZY.
So... we wait with baited breath for the phone call and check our e-mail 1000 times a day.
We'll let ya'll know!

Put down the Duck! Jamz

2010-12-30T19:32:00.003-06:00

Anything goes on a snow day. And a snow day it is. Even if the embassy wouldn't have decided that they need documentation that they have never required before, we still wouldn't be leaving for Ethiopia this weekend. We are snowed in... to the tune of 10 inches in 12 hours. So it is better they said no, because if they wouldn't have, right now we would be driving 5 miles an hour trying to get to Sioux Falls on the off chance that our plane would take off and be able to land in St Paul, which is also snowed in. So, January 18th is the next available embassy date and our agency says hopefully the new documents will be obtained by then. Til then... we're stuck here. And next weekend we're having a "we should be on our way back with our two new kids but instead are here with nothing to do" Genna party. Anybody up for some Ethiopian food is invited.

Christmas Time...

2010-12-29T19:31:00.001-06:00

Photo credit goes to my sister, Elz. It was all pretty much as much fun as it looks. More to follow...when I get over being depressed that we're not going to Ethiopia this weekend.

More Waiting... but with New Pictures!

2010-12-14T18:00:00.004-06:00

Set backs are inevitable, but when they are this late in the game they are so hard!! The US Embassy has not released the schedule for Visa appointments for 2011 and they just released a statement saying they will let everyone know at the end of December or the beginning of January... which makes us getting tickets nearly impossible, because our agency says it is too risky to buy tickets until we at least know the schedule. So... on hold again, this time waiting for the US government.
On the bright side...they look happy. Healthy. And oh so lovely. Although, you'll notice Melese got some serious burns on his hands. Poor guy! They said he got burned when they were bringing in the porridge for breakfast... not sure how it happened, but I sure wish I could be there to take care of him.
New pictures from this month. It is so fun to get new pictures and be able to show people! I will say, for all of the hard things that have happened with our agency, they are great about giving us updates. We get medical and developmental updates weekly, and pictures monthly. So different from when we adopted Mer and only got pictures once right after we passed court!

A Princess Among Peasants

2010-12-12T14:24:00.004-06:00

Yes, that's right... two blog posts in one day. That makes up for two weeks of no posting.
We each chose an ornament for our tree this year. Nathan and I chose Yenenesh's

and Melese's...

This is the one I chose...

Nathan's...

and, of course, after 15 minutes of deliberating, Meron chose this...

Blue-ish

2010-12-12T13:55:00.005-06:00

So, Christmas is coming. There is a lot of magic this year. Meron is old enough to know what is going on and to anticipate, but not old enough to care about presents. In fact, she couldn't think of anything she wanted for Christmas... other than 'presents.'

She enjoyed her first hot chocolate,

helped me make sugar cookies,

sat on Santa's lap...

all the things that make Christmas lovely. But there are still two little people missing. I can't help but picture what I thought this Christmas would be like.... 5 stockings hung up, two little girls in fancy dresses and a natty suit for Melese, trying to maintain proper sprinkle to cookie ratios with three sets of hands 'helping.' Everyone who has adopted knows that you shouldn't get too caught up with the pictures in your head, but it is hard. Really really hard to resist. So while I am loving this Christmas... I am so missing what I was hoping this Christmas would be. And I am wishing that I could give my little ones who are still so far away a little bit of the feeling of family and love and magic that we are feeling here.

And Thankful...

2010-11-27T11:42:00.003-06:00

For the life that I had...

For the life I have now...

And for the life that is to come (January 1st, to be exact)...

Oh so....

2010-11-26T22:39:00.002-06:00

Thankful.

In Which $.20 at a 90% off Halloween Sale = an Hour of Entertainment...and 15 minutes of Face Washing

2010-11-19T20:18:00.004-06:00

I did Mer's hair and makeup,

And she did mine (note to self... never let the child put apricot oil in my hair again...)

We are 5.... Introducing Our Children

2010-11-04T17:11:00.005-05:00

Yenenesh, (ye-NEH-nesh) which means 'she is mine' She is 4. And lovely.

Melese (MEL-a-Sah) means 'he has returned'. He is 2, and has the most kissable cheeks I have ever seen.

They are ours, and hopefully they will realize soon that we are theirs.

Home from Trip 1

2010-11-03T08:39:00.001-05:00

We missed this face...

We even missed this face...

We missed doing this...

and I can't wait to show you pictures of the two faces we're missing now.... although that will have to wait at least until Thursday (when, hopefully, our MOWA letter will get to the court).

The trip was hard and wonderful. The kids were really scared because they don't have any idea what is going on, and they only speak Sidamignia so the nannies have been unable to explain what is about to happen or why these odd looking people are all of the sudden a part of their lives. We are working on that. But... we caught some glimpses. Just little, jewel like pieces of who they will be once they have a place in this world to call their own again. And they will be oh so easy to love. We want them home (although we have decided that we'd like to try teleportation... or maybe even magic, because we really don't know how we are going to make it on the 16 hour flight) so that we can begin in earnest. We want start learning how to be a family of five. We want to find our groove. And while we are more sure than ever that this will be one of the hardest things we will ever do, we are also more sure than ever that this can be great. Really, spectacularly great.

Coming Home, Mimi!

2010-10-29T07:00:00.001-05:00

Good Night Mimi Day 5

2010-10-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

Day 5 Good Morning Mimi!

2010-10-28T05:00:00.001-05:00

Day 4 Goodnight Mimi

2010-10-27T19:00:00.001-05:00

Leavin' on a Jet Plane.... and a Disclaimer

2010-10-23T09:44:00.003-05:00

So, we're packed up. Sitting at my parents' house. Trying to summon the will to leave Meron. I think it would seem like more fun if we actually got to bring the big kids home, but since we don't, this trip seems impossible. We get to meet our kids... I'm really excited about that. However, we have been instructed not to try to bond with them in any way. In fact, if they haven't figured out who we are, it would be best if we don't tell them and act like two random, odd looking people who play with all of the kids and admire ours from afar. It kind of takes some of the fun out of it... but we'll all be okay. Really. (I may just be trying to convince myself)
So.... the disclaimer....

Don't watch blog videos for the next few weeks. We made videos for Meron to address many different occasions and they will be posting on the blog. I mean... you can watch if you want. But... as Nathan said, "I think we left a little bit of our dignity on that bedroom floor..." We will be posting a bunch of fun videos of other people that Mer likes, so feel free to watch those. They won't leave you trying to make yourself meet our eyes if you ever see us. ;-)

Send some good vibes our way if you've got 'em... and send some the way of the little shaver.

Hair Raising!

2010-10-18T19:14:00.001-05:00

Being educated...

2010-10-17T02:21:00.004-05:00

Stole this from C.
I feel enlightened.... and very scared for Mer's education. So what, exactly, do we do about it?

Oh Mimi...

2010-10-11T21:22:00.001-05:00

Now we are three...

2010-10-11T12:51:00.003-05:00

The cake (I assure you, I didn't make it. My mom did. But most of you who know me probably guessed that...)

The doll house (this I did help make... which you can probably tell):

The baby: she blinks, sucks on her bottle, laughs when tickled, cries when hungry, snores, and sings like Mer did. Oh, and she came with a doctor kit. Best. Present. Ever. Thanks Grammy!

The mask and cape. So CUTE! Mer has been super Meron all day today.

The park:

Some way cute clothes:

A truly fabulous red sequined purse that Mer has dubbed the "Big Papa" purse (she has been calling my grandpa 'Big Papa' lately. When she found out that the purse was from Great grammy and Big Papa she began calling it the Big Papa purse. My grandma is really more of the red sequined purse sort than my grandpa is... but whatever)
And then home where we spent a significant amount of time watching her new "Toy Story" movie and lounging around in colorful leggings thanks to the Schutz side of the family.
It was a great day. Thanks to all for loving her so much.

Mer's Greatest Hits

2010-10-09T10:14:00.001-05:00

A compilation of Mer's Greatest Hits from the year 2010.

Things I don't want to forget about my almost 3 year old...

2010-09-29T10:47:00.002-05:00

Funny things she says:
Replaces all for's with to's.. For example "Wait to me Mama!"
Replaces all f's with s's... for example "I need a sork!" or "Mama! You sone is ringing!"
Lemolaid instead of lemonaid
Docker instead of doctor as in "I needa go to a docker. I sick."
Rainbone instead of rainbow
Shucka up (she learned 'shut up' at daycare but it took us a long time to figure it out because she was saying it like this)
She says "My body says I needa go potty!"
Pezzle instead of puzzle
Pootie instead of poop

Ways she is becoming independent:
When she spills something, she goes right to get a cloth and clean it up.
She is getting better and better at using the potty.
She can get her bottom half dressed by herself.
She can use very nice manners when she remembers.
She goes and gets the box of toys she wants (potato head pieces, the kitchen box, art box, etc).
She helps do dishes and cook.

Funny things she does...
Fakes being sick in the morning to try to get me to stay home from work. For a week after she was actually sick she would be running around in the morning laughing and then say, "I no seelin' so good Mama. You stay home to me?" Melt me. I must admit, it sometimes works.
When she has a sore throat she has to check it if we ask her how she is feeling. So she fake coughs. It goes something like this.. "Hey Mimi! How are you doing today?" "Ummm... cough cough... I not seelin' so good" or " Cough cough....I'm great!"
She is obsessed with her purple sundress and sandals. Purple dress gets more hugs and kisses than I do when it comes out of the drier.
Meron needs to have Lolo ( doll she got from my mom and dad for Christmas) and the baby she got from Elizabeth each with their particular blanket in the bed and then Meron has to use the blanket she got when she was a baby. Lolo is closest to her and the baby goes on the other side.
She frequently rides her trike into the house and does laps in the kitchen. The expected response from us is, "A bike in the house?! That's CRAZY!" and if we don't say it, she will.

Favorites...
Her favorite movies are Toy Story, Toy Story II, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, Ella Enchanted, Shrek and Rogers and Hammerstein's Cinderella.
Her favorite songs are "Say Hey"(Micheal Franti and the Spearheads) "Wavin' Flag" (by K'Naan)The Stray Cat Strut, Oh Susanna, and I'm Gonna Catch You(Laurie Berkner)
Favorite foods are ketchup, cabbage, carrots, hotdogs, pizza, beets, pickles, rice, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, olives, apples, spaghetti and pasta salad.
Favorite books are "Panda Bear Panda Bear What do you see?" "Moo, Baa, La La la", "How do I love you?" and "Heads" ( really cool book she got from great grandma )

Sweetness..
She gives the best hugs now... wraps her arms as far as they'll go around my neck and squeezes.
She says we're friends.
She asks, "Will you play to me Mama?"
She makes me pretend I am crying so she can comfort me.
She tucks her babies in and gives them kisses on the forehead.
She asks me "Will you cuddle me Mama?"
She says she loves me the whole world.

Gratitude

2010-09-16T07:54:00.001-05:00

Don't worry. I don't plan on a regular 'soap box feature' on this blog... but this has been driving me CRAZY! If I offend you, I'm sorry. It is really not intentional, and rest assured that this is not something that is aimed at anyone with whom I interact on a regular basis...

I started thinking about gratitude when my sister told me that someone she knows fairly well and I know slightly told her how much she admired Nathan and I. Why, you ask? We're pretty average folk. Well, it seems she admires us so greatly because we adopted Meron. I believe the exact words were, "I just admire them so much. I could never do what they're doing!" Like many people who have adopted a child, it is a theme we hear often. We respond to it so much that it generally just generates mild irritation and a wrote response "No, we're the lucky ones." It usually is just part of being a family that sticks out a little bit, especially in our small town in the SD. This comment, however, really got under my skin. What, exactly, is so impossible about loving a child? Especially my child? We didn't adopt Meron to be charitable. It was a decision which was not based on charity but on the need to parent a child, and the fact that we were told that she was a child who needed some parents. I think it makes me so angry because I don't ever want her to feel like she has to be grateful to us for adopting her. She has gained a lot by being in our family, but we have gained more. We have lost nothing (well, sleep, leisure time and peace of mind, but we knew what we were getting into) and Meron has lost an entire family, culture and way of life.

Because of that little comment, the subject of gratitude has been something I've been mulling over for a while. And then yesterday, Nathan and I walked down to the park with Meron. We were sitting at the picnic tables eating some ice cream when a family caught my eye. It was two little boys, maybe 6 and 4, with their mom. The mom had brought her laptop down to the park and was watching "Everybody L.oves Raymond" episodes while her kids played. Okay, whatever. I can't believe that television show is that riveting that you have to haul your laptop to the park so you can watch it, but to each their own. Maybe she'd had a horrible day... one of those kids fighting-house a mess-washing machine blows up- nothing to cook for dinner kind of days and wanted to take her mind off of it all for a bit. I get that... it happens to everyone and all you want to do is crawl in a hole and be by yourself for a while. But, in the half hour we were sitting near her, not once did she look at her kids. They each came several times to try to get her to play with them, to push them on the swings, to watch them go down the slide- to ask her to be there with them. She never looked up from her show, even for a token "I'll watch you go down the slide from here." They were met several times with, "Just go play!" They stopped asking when she told them if they needed her to play with them then they probably didn't need to be at the park at all and they could all just go home. She sat and laughed at this stupid tv show... smiling and chuckling to herself and then frowned whenever her kids talked to her. It kind of broke my heart. For all of them. I think it might have been Toni Morrison that I heard talking about raising children. She said that the most important thing any child needs is to have someone who loves them so much that their face lights up when that child comes into the room. It stuck with me so much, because I know what she is talking about. The thing I love best about going to my parent's and grandparent's house is that when I see them, I see their face light up. It is a feeling of such love and security.

I watch people all the time that look at their children seldom, and usually with great irritation. I watch parents pick up their kids at daycare and greet them with a "Get your shoes. Hurry up!" instead of a smile and a hug. And I watched that woman light up for fictional people on a computer screen and give her children nothing.... even when they were just begging her to act like she liked them. It makes me sad for the kids... but I think it makes me almost equally sad for the parents. I mean, kids are awesome. You all know I am goofy/crazy/mushy in love with my daughter and that I think she is the best kid on earth. But the kids that these parents are missing out on are great, too! Or, they could be. It breaks my heart that people don't see their kids for the incredible creatures they are... because as Toni Morrison said, "Thin love ain't no love at all." Now, I've said it often to my circle of acquaintances, that my long, twisted, heartbreakingly painful path toward motherhood gives me a much different perspective than people who got pregnant when they didn't want to. Who have babies that they were ready for. Who have lives that they didn't want or choose. I understand that. And we all have days when we want to pull our hair out and throw things out the window and stomp our feet like a two year old.

But I'm going to start trying harder to make sure that whenever Meron comes into a room I light up. She is amazing, and special, and mine... and that is nothing short of miraculous. She deserves to know how incredibly grateful I am that I get to be the one who braids her hair and brushes her teeth and teach her silly songs and paint her fingernails for the 1000th time (and let her paint my fingernails.. which I don't necessarily recommend). And I hope that the lady in the park wakes up realizes how grateful she should be.

Happy Birthday Great Grandma!

2010-08-31T11:35:00.003-05:00

My Non Mushy Two Years Montage...

2010-08-29T22:39:00.002-05:00

I'm sure you've all had your fill of saccharine ramblings... enjoy!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Two Years...

2010-08-28T23:43:00.009-05:00

So, I actually missed writing about our two year anniversary on our anniversary. Yeah.. bad blogger. It has been two years since we met Meron. I wrote about that first meeting here, and won't repeat it.

I wrote a letter to Meron on our anniversary, though, and I'll share a little piece of it today.

Dear Mimi Tewabech,
It was two years ago when we met you. You were so small and scared. We loved you so much, but we felt pretty small and scared, too. You see, once we met you, we knew what an incredibly important job we were going to have to do. We realized, the minute we looked into your eyes, that it was no ordinary spirit that was being entrusted to us. You literally light up any room you walk into. People walking by you often stop in their tracks when they see you. People who meet you fall in love with you.

I am often worried that you will think that this is because you are beautiful. You are beautiful; you are the most achingly lovely little person I have ever seen, in fact. That is not the reason that people are so drawn to you, even if they think that it is. You have a light inside you that people recognize without knowing why. People see you and they recognize that you are unique in amazing ways. Your eyes are radiant with intelligence, laughter, joy, trust, love and just... you. This brilliance makes you far lovelier than any physical features ever could. When I first saw you, the you that shines like a beacon that attracts most every one you meet, I made it my mission to make sure that nothing dims that light. That is what made me so absolutely terrified, Meron. The thought that I might not be good enough or strong enough or right enough to keep that part of you safe still makes me tremble on a daily basis. That light is still there, so I guess we must be doing all right together. I will keep trying, and hope the resilience that has carried you this far in your life will make up for my many, many mistakes. And I will keep loving you with all of my heart. And I am so grateful that I am your mama.

Motherhood Lessons # 281, 282, and 283 That I Wish I Wouldn't Have Learned First Hand

2010-08-25T12:33:00.005-05:00

Number 281: When a bottle of hot pink nail polish is shattered on the bathroom floor and sprays all over the ceramic tile, grout and white wainscoting, it is actually the hardest (read, impossible) to get off of the wainscoting. I was betting it would be more impossible to get it off of the grout, but the grout is only slightly pinkish and shimmery as opposed to really pink on the wood.

Number 282: Cleaning nail polish out of grout is substantially more difficult (not to mention substantially more frustrating) when a 30 pound child is continually jumping on your back, kicking you in the ribs and shouting, "Go horsey! GO!" and pushing your hands out of the way so they can 'lookit' what you're doing.

Number 283: Cleansing breaths, while important in maintaining an even disposition and pleasant tone of voice when being jumped on by a 30 pound child as you're are cleaning up a rather large, destructive, nail polish accident, are not advisable when one is crouched over a large puddle of nail polish and nail polish remover.

That is all.

In Which Stewart Finally Proves to be a Contributing Member of the Household After 5 Years of Eating our Socks and Shedding on Everything

2010-08-21T23:59:00.010-05:00

This is Stew.

Stew and I have a rather love/hate relationship. I mean, I love him. Really I do. But he is not the easiest housemate to have. He has some serious mental health problems (I'd diagnose him as having OCD and an anxiety disorder). Stew freaks out when anything is different... chairs moved, fan blades out of the ceiling fan to be cleaned, schedules... pretty much everything in the world makes him anxious. He is absolutely obsessed with birds, rabbits and flies. Guarding our house is great, I guess, but I kind of wish he would differentiate between machines rising up and destroying their human creators and... well...things that might not be worthy of hysterical barking that wakes up the baby at 2am, such as a bird perched on our fence. Sadly, any and all things that deviate from the norm create about the same level. Stew is also a nervous eater. He needs us to see him eat for some reason; he either picks up his bowl and drags it over to us, trailing rock-like chunks of food across the whole floor, or he takes a mouth full of food and comes as close as us as possible before chewing and going back for another bite. His nervous eating is not confined to his food. He has also eaten socks, rugs, toys, books, food (that I explained to him was clearly ours because it is always sitting on the counter and not in his food bowl) and shoes. Oh, yeah, and he sheds. He loses massive quantities of hair when he is stressed out... which is always. The summer we moved, he lost so much hair that his chest and stomach were bald. So, our floor generally looks like a yeti has been rolling around on it around five minutes after I have cleaned the floor. All of these traits... not so endearing... until yesterday.

You see, we decided that Meron needs to be out of diapers before Y and M come home. According to all the books, it is time. She can stay dry for hours at a time, put her own pants on and take them off, has excellent expressive and receptive language skills, and was almost to the point of changing her own diapers. Mer and I picked out some poster board,stickers, and snazzy new underwear. There was much excitement. Day one looked a lot like this (Note the THREE!!! stickers!):

Sadly, Day Two looked a lot like this (Note the three stickers):

And, Day 3 looked a lot like this (Note the THREE stickers):

Now... we were enthusiastic, downplayed accidents and greatly rewarded success. We kept a schedule and made it into a fun game. We tried. But our sweet, wonderful, lovely, much beloved daughter:

has what some might kindly call an... independent spirit.

And we blew it. When you want Mer to do something, it is most effective if you are seemingly indifferent about the results. She is wonderful. She wants to please and to make people happy... unless she feels pushed. You see, she saw the fevered gleam in our eyes when we thought about a future free from diapers. And she dug in. I had almost decided to shelve the issue for a while, because my daughter is not someone who can be out stubborned. I think that if we really made an issue out of using the toilet, she would be attending her high school graduation in diapers.

Enter Stew.
On day four, when I asked Meron to choose whether she wanted Mama or Daddy to help her on the potty (after attempting to get her to sit on the toilet for more than 2 seconds at a time ALL DAY), she said, "No! Not you! I want my Tewie to help me!" So, I told her I thought that was a great idea. I made poor Stew come into the bathroom to help Meron.

And it worked. And we all jumped and danced around cheering, making Stewie jump around and bark in what was a reasonable facsimile of excitement. And now, after a lot of time in the bathroom with Stew and Mimi, the poster looks like this (as of bed time tonight, I think she is up to ELEVEN stickers):

So, there you have it. My dog is potty training my child. Stew, if you can pull this off, I will totally 'accidentally' drop a pound of hamburger in your bowl... and stand next to you while you eat it.

Bath time....the Poser edition

2010-08-10T22:41:00.004-05:00

Mer was posing, asking me to take pictures. Not sure where she learned this.... although she does like to look a her pictures as soon as I take them now, so perhaps she was posing for her own amusement.

Meron answers some burning questions

2010-08-10T22:30:00.002-05:00

Namely, what exactly does the bus driver say?

and,
Just where is Thumbkin?

She is so fun. I mean, not every day do we have fun...but tonight I kept her up about an hour past her bed time, because we were having so much fun that I didn't want her to go to bed. Ever just go to bed feeling so lucky to be who you are... and to have the people in your life that you have? I am tonight.

Mer's new favorite outfit...

2010-07-31T11:44:00.004-05:00

Worried about the ant on the sidewalk... she said she didn't want him to climb up her dress

This is her "Americ@'s Ne.xt Top Mode.l" pose...

We've been having a great time today, Mer and I. We're waiting for word on if Nathan passed his test; he's testing for his 5th Degree Blackbelt in taekwondo today. I'm a little nervous, and glad I don't have to watch... especially since I know what they will be doing to him. My least favorite part is when he has to put his feet on one chair and his head on another and let them break cement bricks on his chest. Hoping he comes home relatively unscathed....
Since I live with him, I forget how incredibly amazing his skills are. I mean, after a while I just expect him to be able to kick an apple off the tip of a sword (also part of his exam. Sigh). But I'm really so very, very proud. Plus, judging by these pictures, these skills will come in handy when Mer turns about 12 or so. I'm all for having a big, scary, muscly dude answer the door for all potential suitors. ;-)

It's a GIRL! And a BOY!

2010-07-19T17:36:00.002-05:00

So, I have to confess. I've been holding out on people. A week after we got word that we wouldn't be able to adopt Y and S, we got a new referral. It was... crazy. They wouldn't let us accept right away because the clinic that does HIV testing got really backed up and they didn't have those test results yet, so I didn't really want to announce anything until it was official. Plus, we needed more time to process everything than I thought we would. It was so hard to still be grieving, but trying to make such a major decision for our family. So, we only told a couple of people... mostly people who we needed to talk things through with.
The girl (her name starts with a Y and means "she is mine") is officially 25 months, but looks much older. Like, Meron's age or maybe 6 months older. The boy (his name starts with an M and means "he has returned") is officially 13 months, but looks about 20 months. They are from the Sidama-Dale region in Ethiopia, which is a very poor, very rural area. It is almost in Kenya, and almost in Sudan. They are beautiful. In all of the first pictures we got of them they are together. She always has him half way behind her, and looks like she is trying so hard to protect him. He is holding onto her like she is his life line. They break my heart. We just got some new pictures this weekend, and they are so great. She is smiling and lovely. He has pink socks on and is walking around on the floor.
We went back and forth about if this was the right thing for our family, for Meron, and for these two sweet kids. Their ages are not what we were expecting. Actually, we have no idea what their ages really are.... but they are for sure a lot younger than we were expecting.
After talking with our homestudy social worker and the agency's social worker and asking endless questions, we've decided to accept this referral. All of the information we received came down to the fact that, while it could be very difficult for Meron and for Y if they end up being very close to the same age, it will be okay after a while. A lot depends on how well their personalities mesh, and in this area, it is a leap of faith. But parenthood, no matter how it comes about, is always a leap of faith. It is a situation in which we must tread carefully, but not one which is not inherently awful. We have gotten a lot of advice from social workers, family members, parents of kids who are 'artificially twinned' and even behavioral therapists at work, and all say the same thing... you need to be careful, but it can be done and can be wonderful.
So... here we are. Waiting for a court date again. We don't anticipate making it before courts close for the rainy season (from early August to mid September) so are anticipating a court date in late September or early October. We are hoping they are home by Christmas.