Three years to the day later, I walked her to school for the first time, along with her older sister and younger brother. I couldn't have imagined then what our family would be like today. It didn't take me long to realize she'd be sassy and sweet and lovely and precious to me. I could never have guessed how compassionate, tender hearted, funny, precocious and maddeningly obstinate she would become.
I had butterflies in my stomach the whole morning before she had to be at school. I knew how Malakai would be at school... not great at listening but can follow along and be good natured and charming. I know Hani will be a good listener and a perfectionist and will love school when she starts at a different school next week. I didn't know what Meron would do. She needs things to be on her terms, and I was so worried she would clam up or be too shy or cry when we left.
Meron did none of those things. She went right in, took the Principal's hand when she led her to the classroom, and started playing. When Mal started crying when we had to leave, she came over and held his hand and patted him on the back and said, "Mommy and Daddy will come back in a little bit. It's okay." He trusts and loves her so much. He stopped crying and held onto her hand for dear life. She gave me a kiss and went back to playing, Malakai pulled along behind her.
I am full of anxiety about the hurts she will inevitably receive from the world, because I want so much to protect her from all of the ugliness that is out there. And so sad that she is that much closer to not needing me... to leaving and becoming this whole other person whose life is separate from mine. It is so much worse with her than it is with Hani and Kai, because they were already big when they came to our family. They have never needed me in the same ways that Meron did.... so it doesn't feel like such a loss to me that they won't need me as much.
But I am also so very proud of the person she is becoming and excited to watch the things she will do and the ways she will make her world a better place. And I am hopeful that she will always need her mama, at least a little bit.
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