Flash back

Swoon... look how tiny.

They are getting so darned gigantic now...

 I see this pout face more often than I'd like... thought I had better document it for 10 years from now when I can't remember just how she pretend pouted when she was 5.

 It was a fun day.

In Which My Inadequacies Become Alarmingly Apparent.

I know. You're thinking, "I'm pretty sure we have all been aware of your inadequacies for quite some time now." I am embarrassingly inadequate in many ways. I just discovered a new one.
Let us set the scene, shall we?
It is the big day. The once a year dance recital for which Hana and Meron have been practicing. They are giddy with excitement. I, as per usual, have left a few small things to the last minute.  Their hair is supposed to be slicked back into a bun. I've never been terribly successful at buns, and Meron's hair.. well... slicked back is not its natural state of being.  Off I went to the store, feeling pretty virtuous because we had to be ready to go by 2 and I was going to the store to get stuff at 11. PLENTY of time, right? Hana's hair was in a bunch of braids, so pulling it back into a bun would be easy. Meron's hair was in a couple of braids so it would be relatively tangle free. On the way out the door I remembered that the instructions also called for stage make up. No problem. I was always one of the make up people when I was a drama geek in high school.
At the store I saw two other people buying hair gel and make up for the dance recital. I checked in on times with them, feeling even more virtuous that I was correct in my understanding of when they needed to be at the auditorium.  I wandered around the hair aisle and settled on Extra Firm Hold hair gel. Off to the make up aisle for lip stick, blush and maybe some eye shadow. I walked directly to lipsticks and then froze. A flush of panic rose over me. What the hell color of lipstick do I get for Hana?! I know how to do make up for me, barely, but I have no idea how to do Hana's. I went back and forth, trying to visualize how different shades would look on her. I was unsuccessful.
Not knowing what to do to enhance the incredible beauty of her features on stage, I started looking at eye shadow. Yup. No idea. I finally settled on buying no make up and running home. I used some gel to tame fly aways in Hani's braids and pulled it back into the required low bun. Less than a minute.  All went as planned getting Meron ready to go. I used my make up, applying gold and brown eye shadow, mascara, blush and  a raspberry colored lip gloss. She looked super cute. We were running really far ahead.
Hana sat down to take her turn and dropped a bomb. She wanted her braids out so her hair could look like Meron's. No other kids would have hair in braids and a bun. I looked at the clock. I looked at her big eyes and slightly trembling lip. Okay. I said. It doesn't matter that we just spent two hours putting those braids in last week. Sure baby, sure.
I started removing braids like a woman possessed. This is was made substantially more difficult by the Extra Firm Hold Gel I had slathered onto them.  At one point Nathan, Meron, Hana, and I were all undoing braids together. Meron had to be at her rehearsal an hour before Hana did, so Nathan took her and left. I kept working at a fevered pitch. I finally got them all out and her hair combed back into a low ponytail. I was sweating and covered in conditioner and gel, and I hadn't taken a shower yet.  The phone rang. "Hey, are you done with Hana's hair yet? They are running ahead and want to start Hana's rehearsal a half hour early. All of the other kids are here and they are only waiting for Hani."
 I may have turned an inappropriate expletive into "SHIT...Tuation under control." It wasn't my best cover ever, but I think it slid by unnoticed. Hana had caught the gist of said situation from my end of the conversation and started to panic. "I'm LATE!!! I'm LATE!!" with tears welling. I finished her bun as soothingly and calmly as I could, got her dressed and ran out the door.  She made it just in time to practice and did a great job. Shwew.
Then it was time for pictures. We hadn't had time to do her make up, but I brought my purse with all of my makeup in it with when we left the house. I led her over to the corner and started applications.  She was glowing. She felt beautiful and special. She's been having a hell of a hard time lately, and it was nice to see. I put on her mascara and sparkly eye shadow. She beamed at me and said, "Okay, time for my lipstick!" I reached into my purse to get the lip gloss, and came up empty. It wasn't there. I searched my pockets, the entire purse and, stupidly, the floor. It had fallen out somehow on our frenzied dash out the door.
I looked at my girl, all sparkles and good feelings. Not everyone would think lip gloss would be a big deal. The thought process would go something like this, "Oh shoot! Well, maybe I can borrow some from somebody or maybe we can run home and look for it."  Only I know my girl. Her thought process would go more like this, "She made sure Meron got lip gloss and not me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't want me to look pretty."  It wouldn't matter how many explanations and platitudes I gave, those would be her feelings. The sparkle would be gone from the day.
I searched for an alternative. The only thing I could find in my purse was lotion. I sighed. I said, "Oh! Here we go, this will work!" so that I wasn't technically lying. I put lotion on my fingertip while it was hidden in my purse and slathered some on. She smiled, content in the knowledge that she looked beautiful (which she did). She got her pictures taken. She did the dance recital and did a fantastic job. Crisis averted, relationship maintained. And DAMN were her lips conditioned.

Deep breathing...

No matter what, things really are pretty fabulous.

And I'm very lucky.  I just need to remind myself.

Safe

I am sitting in the kitchen, listening to Nathan handle some serious business upstairs. He is still calm in the face of some tremendous pressure, but we'll tag off soon before his patience starts to wear thin. And wear thin it must, because people aren't built to withstand the huge feelings that are spilling all over up there. Traumaversary + getting pictures of a much beloved and missed family member in Ethiopia + the last day of school apparently equals some storms the likes of which we really haven't seen for a long time. I get it, really I do. Sometimes feelings as big and confusing and scary as the ones she is experiencing are just way too much for her little heart to contain. It is hard. I won't say it isn't. Parenting really wasn't meant to be this way. But, on days like today, there really isn't anything we can do but breathe. Try to help sort out the monumental yuck that is overtaking her brain. Make her feel like she has a safe place in the storm. Cause really, as much as I wish my parenting duties didn't include days like today, isn't that what all parents are supposed to do? Make a safe place for their kids? Deep breath. My turn to head into the storm.

Little help...

So, ethics is a big deal in adoption. It isn't something I have talked about a lot, but it is something that I feel is incredibly important.  I mean, some day you have to look your children in the eye and answer their questions about their grief and losses. And you damn well better know the real answers. And you really want to make sure that you weren't knowingly or unknowingly contributing to the vast misfortune that lead to them leaving their family, culture, and everything they knew and loved. A. and J. were doing their best to make sure they could look their new son from Haiti in the eye and tell him that they loved him enough to make sure that there really was no other option for him that would be less traumatic. That, while the things that led him into an orphanage and into an 'adoptable' status were tragic, they weren't caused by an agency trying to find children to meet a need for rich Westerners. The investigating they did led to some very troubling discoveries about their agency. While their adoption has been independently investigated and found to be lawful and necessary, the agency has been doing some incredibly unethical things. This sweet boy, Alex, is legally A and J's son. He has been waiting for a year to come home to his permanent family; all they need to do is to submit their dossier to the officials to obtain a visa to bring him home. Their agency (you know, the one with all of the shady dealings) will not release this dossier unless A and J agree to sign a gag order and not divulge the unethical nature of their practices. They are holding this kid hostage so that they don't get in trouble. In order to make sure that A and J can expose this agency and what it is doing to families in Haiti and still bring Alex home, they need to redo their entire dossier. This will cost them around $8500 that they really don't have lying around, because they, you know, just completed an adoption. They paid for the adoption fees, but don't have enough to pay to redo everything (and who would? Certainly not me!).  If you have a few extra dollars, please consider sending it their way. You can check out the story in their own words at:
http://at-the-watershed-blog.blogspot.com/p/why-we.html