What's Working

This blogger has asked for people to write about what is working. And this equally interesting blogger has asked for people to write about what they have been doing with Therapeutic Parenting.  And it just so happens that for me, the answer to both questions are mostly the same. So... I have always been a 'sit in the back and know the answer but don't speak up because I don't like people to look at me' sort of gal, but I have always wanted to be a fearless participator.  No time like the present, right?
So, what is working?
Well, realizing that I like my children, mostly.
I know, that sounds awful. Really, really terribly awful.  And if you have asked me how things are going some time in the past year and I have said the kids are doing well, and that I have wonderful children, I wasn't lying. I do have wonderful children. And they really are doing well. And I have always loved them. Wanted to protect them. Wanted good things for them.  With Meron, coming to us as the world's sweetest, most perfectly beautiful baby, I was completely enraptured pretty much immediately. Like goofy crazy smitten.
Hani and Malakai did not come home under circumstances such as those.  Malakai was so terrified and angry by the inexplicable changes in his life that he was hard to get to know.  There were brief, hopeful moments of time when he would be the boy we later discovered he was... charming, gregarious, funny and sweet.  These moments were few and far between.  Hana was horrified to discover her competition (Meron) and was also scared and grieving and adjusting.  On top of that, in an attempt to make sure her place in the family was secure, she was really mean to Meron.
Now, understand that my job at the time was counselling children with profound behavior challenges and emotional difficulties.  I knew the reasons that Hana and Malakai were behaving as they were. I empathized with how scared they must have been and wanted to help them. I agonized over how to make their difficult adjustment easier.  I used every therapy trick I have learned.  And things got better. Really a lot better.  While I recognize that we still have a lot of work to do, I think both of them are doing really great.
The only problem was me.  With my job, I have built up a healthy level of "rational detachment." It is necessary when somebody works with the kind of people that I work with. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate well when trying to form a family instead of merely creating a therapeutic environment.  I had spent a long time being hurt by both of them.  I knew and understood the reasons for this, but that didn't make me less hurt, and it didn't make it any easier to keep myself from remaining detatched.  I think I have some mild PTSD, especially where Hana is concerned. Whenever she gets a certain tone to her voice, my heart starts to pound, and I have to struggle to keep my voice level because it wants to get shrill. I begin preparing to be emotionally wrecked.  Now, most of the time, Hana is able to pull herself together. She can be mad or hurt or confused and tell me about it instead of lashing out.  But that doesn't change my instant, very physical reaction.
This is not helpful, either for my children or for me.  It is really hard to enjoy someone who makes you feel that way.  I found myself pulling away from them when they needed me most.  What worked for me was to make a consistent, conscious effort to think of reasons that I like my children.  I practiced in my head, because it was easier to do it in my head than it was to do it out loud.  I tried to notice the good things that she was doing (which was a LOT of good things, because my Hani is really one of the two best girls in the whole world).  I closed my eyes when she climbed onto my lap and reminded myself to melt into her the way I do with Meron naturally.  I had to remind myself to touch her frequently- on the cheek, on the shoulder, on the neck, holding hands.  As I type it, I feel really bad.  It shouldn't be so hard for any descent person to learn to love to hold their child, especially a child as sweet and loving and all around wonderful as my Hani.  But it was. All of that hurt had created such a wall, and for me it had to be a very conscious effort to tear it down.
So, what's working? What attachment therapy techniques have been working for me?
Making lists of things I must do with my kids every day.  I must tickle them. I must look into their eyes and smile. I must caress their cheeks and hold their hands. I must ask them to come snuggle with me.  I made lists so that I knew that I wouldn't forget. Now, I don't forget because the wall is slowly disappearing and I WANT to snuggle and tickle and gaze.  It is natural and a part of our relationship that wasn't there before.  One day I just realized that I had been snuggling with Hani on the couch and that I had been doing it not because it was on the list, but because I like the way she curls up and snuggles like a kitten into my side.  I had to teach myself to enjoy these small, wonderful little people and to have a physical relationship with them.  As I have learned to relax, so have they.  I didn't know know it, but they could tell that my smiles were less genuine than they should have been. They could feel that I was stiffer than I should have been when they cuddled.  I know they are feeling my love for them in a way that is much more real to them than it was before. And that, my friends, is working.