The first time we met him he spent the entire visit glaring at Nathan from the corner of his eye. He was willing to tolerate my presence as long as I didn't look at him or touch him. The nannies finally just dumped him in my lap, patted him on the head and left me with this little boy who screamed and flailed. He finally was so desperate for comfort that he turned around and hugged me.
He would sit on my lap as long as I didn't move and as long as we were outside. He wouldn't let me take him inside. Or look at him. Or move so much as an inch. And poor Nathan! If he got in Melese's line of sight, Melese started to scream. Like blood curdling, these people are murdering me screams. It didn't get better the second or third time we met.
He spent all of his time carrying as many things as he could hold. He even carried sweets we gave him. When I brought him back to his room, I saw him put them in his bed. My heart literally broke. He was so small and scared and confused and I was just making it worse. I have never felt so guilty as I did when I told the judge that I wanted to adopt him. I knew it would rip away what little peace he had found.. but I also knew that his new found content was just a temporary solution.
He remembered us when we came to bring him home, and he was not pleased. Finally it was time to go. When he was placed on Nathan's lap in the van, he froke out. It.Was.Awful. For all concerned. But as soon as the van started moving he stopped crying and decided that Nathan was his new safety net.
He slept in a big sweaty ball on Nathan's chest for a long time. But slowly, oh so slowly, he began to open up. And at some point, we realized he was funny.. Like really, really funny. And then we realized that he was sweet. And caring and really... so seriously funny.
He still had issues with needing to control everything (who could blame him). For the first couple of weeks he was home, any transition at all was met with anger. Shoes on? That pissed him off. Time to take the shoes off now? Holy cow, the world is ending. I was frequently torn between feeling terrible for him and how insecure he must be feeling and furious because he had yet again bloodied my lip by screaming and flailing and swinging his head around about some minor change.
He was pretty ambivalent about me for a long time, but that is slowly changing. Every step towards attaching was a battle. Nathan was the one who was going to make sure he was safe, not me. Nathan was supposed to comfort him, not me.
He cuddles with me now. He loves to play with my hair and when he is trying to calm himself down he combs it in front of my face so he can blow it away and see me again.
He needs to feel my skin. And even when he is furious with me, he still wants me to pick him up... because he needs me. Finally. And now, I have found that I need him, too.
I love you, little Doot. 
Photo credit for the last picture goes to Elz. Want to see some more seriously cute pictures of my babies? Check out her blog: http://www.abrightblot.blogspot.com/
Just found your blog via the forum- just commented on your post. Oh, this is soooooo our Teshale. Thank you for this post. It really, truly comforts me. Lots of love... Your family is beautiful!
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