So, my Hani? My wonderful, beautiful Hani? She's got some control issues. Like... she wants to control everything. In the world. It makes sense, right? If she can control the world than she can make sure no more bad things happen to her. She can make sure that her world is safe and normal and predictable. This leads to some difficult times because she can't. Control everything, that is. The fact that she can't doesn't mean that she doesn't try, which I imagine is an extremely uncomfortable feeling. Like driving in a car with no brakes.
On the 4th of July we went to the town celebration and they had pony rides. There was much excitement. It was one of those things where sweet, sweaty little ponies are attached to a big wheel kind of thing and have to walk around in circles all day. Not so dare devilish. Meron loved it. Kai was scared for about 30 seconds and then started enjoying himself. Hani was horrified. She smiled at first and clearly liked the horse, but then as the ride went on she got more and more uncomfortable. It was so odd to watch... it was so backwards. To get less comfortable the longer she sat on her small, slow moving pony.
Every time she went around she got a little less enthusiastic. On about the 5th revolution she started to cry and said, "He isn't LISTENING! Make him LISTEN to me!!" She started to panic about how Kai was riding. He took one hand off the pommel to scratch his nose and she let out a very motherly bellow of, "That's not SAFE! TWO HANDS Malakai!!" The next time she went around she started saying, "He's going faster and faster! He's not listening!" I was baffled as I watched the dispirited pony plodding along in the 104 degree weather. Clearly not giving her a wild ride. By the end of the ride she wasn't crying, but wasn't thrilled. Until she got off. She petted the ponies and told them thank you. She said she couldn't wait to tell Papa that she rode a horse. She wanted to go again. Thinking she had conquered whatever weird fear this was I said absolutely. Got on the same pony. Same snails pace in a circle. Same slow progression from happy and enthusiastic to... uncomfortable. On edge. Scared about Kai getting hurt. And then I realized.
She can't control this. She can't control that pony because he has to walk along with all the others. There were no reins to give even the illusion of control. It. Drove. Her. Crazy. She didn't feel safe until her feet were on the ground and her fate was once again in her own hands.
I love her for trying it again in spite of how uncomfortable it was. I wish she didn't feel like the world would spiral out of control if she just... trusted. I know trust that the world will stay sane and safe is too much to ask right now. But I'm thinking of getting a pony to lead in circles. I think it is so good for her to experience relinquishing control and still being okay. Maybe even having fun. Think how much nicer the world would be if she didn't have the weight of it on her shoulders. If she could relax and enjoy the ride safe in the knowledge that, while bad things that we can't control do sometimes happen, the world is....beautiful. In spite of (or maybe because of) the imperfections.
Oh, this is our son to a T. When he's feeling unsettled he becomes very difficult, controlling, vigilant and irritable. He bosses his sister around (b/c she's little and he's in control!) and can be generally miserable. He started baseball last week. He'd never done it before (= no control). He didn't want to go. He wined, complained he didn't know what to do, threw a tantrum over nothing the night before... All that and the next morning he LOVED baseball-cannot wait to go back.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lovely post, such a perfect example of how scary the world is to our little ones. Sigh.
Yep. My little 3.5 y/o control freak struggles with this. Anything involving following directions is a nightmare because - whoa - trusting anyone to guide him is just too much. He gives me instructions constantly. Directions when driving. Tells me to brush my teeth at bedtime. He's recently learned to play at game, and I'm so excited that he will trust a talking plastic turtle enough to enjoy the game instead of arguing with it!
ReplyDeleteOh yes. G is this same exactly way. He needs to know what is going on each day, who will be there, what we're having for dinner tomorrow, etc. He doesn't like to go to eat in restaurants because there are so many unknowns. I'm not commenting to give answers, just to say you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteWell, I can't say I am glad to be in the parents of control freaks club, but I am glad to be in such good company... :-)
ReplyDeletePoor sweet little Hani. Wish it wasn't this way for her but I'm so proud that each day she seems to make strides into the new and uncomfortable. 100 years ago they would say "that girl has gumption" 50 years ago they would say "that girl's got moxie" I just say "that girl is AMAZING!" And so's her mama!
ReplyDelete