Deep breathing...

No matter what, things really are pretty fabulous.

And I'm very lucky.  I just need to remind myself.

Safe

I am sitting in the kitchen, listening to Nathan handle some serious business upstairs. He is still calm in the face of some tremendous pressure, but we'll tag off soon before his patience starts to wear thin. And wear thin it must, because people aren't built to withstand the huge feelings that are spilling all over up there. Traumaversary + getting pictures of a much beloved and missed family member in Ethiopia + the last day of school apparently equals some storms the likes of which we really haven't seen for a long time. I get it, really I do. Sometimes feelings as big and confusing and scary as the ones she is experiencing are just way too much for her little heart to contain. It is hard. I won't say it isn't. Parenting really wasn't meant to be this way. But, on days like today, there really isn't anything we can do but breathe. Try to help sort out the monumental yuck that is overtaking her brain. Make her feel like she has a safe place in the storm. Cause really, as much as I wish my parenting duties didn't include days like today, isn't that what all parents are supposed to do? Make a safe place for their kids? Deep breath. My turn to head into the storm.

Little help...

So, ethics is a big deal in adoption. It isn't something I have talked about a lot, but it is something that I feel is incredibly important.  I mean, some day you have to look your children in the eye and answer their questions about their grief and losses. And you damn well better know the real answers. And you really want to make sure that you weren't knowingly or unknowingly contributing to the vast misfortune that lead to them leaving their family, culture, and everything they knew and loved. A. and J. were doing their best to make sure they could look their new son from Haiti in the eye and tell him that they loved him enough to make sure that there really was no other option for him that would be less traumatic. That, while the things that led him into an orphanage and into an 'adoptable' status were tragic, they weren't caused by an agency trying to find children to meet a need for rich Westerners. The investigating they did led to some very troubling discoveries about their agency. While their adoption has been independently investigated and found to be lawful and necessary, the agency has been doing some incredibly unethical things. This sweet boy, Alex, is legally A and J's son. He has been waiting for a year to come home to his permanent family; all they need to do is to submit their dossier to the officials to obtain a visa to bring him home. Their agency (you know, the one with all of the shady dealings) will not release this dossier unless A and J agree to sign a gag order and not divulge the unethical nature of their practices. They are holding this kid hostage so that they don't get in trouble. In order to make sure that A and J can expose this agency and what it is doing to families in Haiti and still bring Alex home, they need to redo their entire dossier. This will cost them around $8500 that they really don't have lying around, because they, you know, just completed an adoption. They paid for the adoption fees, but don't have enough to pay to redo everything (and who would? Certainly not me!).  If you have a few extra dollars, please consider sending it their way. You can check out the story in their own words at:
http://at-the-watershed-blog.blogspot.com/p/why-we.html

Searching...

So... I was screwing around on Facebook a few weeks ago. I put in the name of an Ethiopian relative of one of my children, just on a whim. And there it was. Same rather unusual name. Same town. I didn't know what to do.  My first impulse was to friend them and write them a long letter about how I longed to know more about them and make connections for my child. Then I got scared. I have had a lot of babies taken from me in a lot of ways, yo. I won't even pretend that there wasn't a part of me that panicked thinking that if I found her, she would want this child back. That something would happen and I would lose this person who is not just a part of me, but is my very soul.  Is this likely. Well, it is probably impossible. Is this a fair feeling to have on my part? Not at all... it is a very selfish one. After all, this person in Ethiopia has a prior claim.  It is wrong to pretend that they don't. So, what does a person trying to be the best mama they can be do? Well, I made a new Facebook account with just a few family pictures, no last names or locations, and sent a friend request along with a brief note explaining that I was the American mother of TS and that if she knew T. I wondered if she was interested in having contact.
I didn't want her to get in trouble. What if this was all a big secret that I would be dredging up? What if my message would make her uncomfortable or upset? So, I tried to keep it neutral. I waited, checking my new Facebook account religiously. And then she posted a picture of herself. The owner of the account can't be more that 14. She is certainly not the person I thought she was.
I was crushed.  I realized all of the sudden how much I wanted that for my child. How much I wanted my kids to have a real, tangible connection with their history and biological family. How much I want them to have their questions answered.  How much I wanted this family on the other side of the world to be a real part of our family.
So I want to search. I want to find who I can before they are scattered to the winds and impossible to locate.  Has anybody done this? Any tips? Any boundaries I shouldn't cross? Any advice of any kind?