So... I was screwing around on Facebook a few weeks ago. I put in the name of an Ethiopian relative of one of my children, just on a whim. And there it was. Same rather unusual name. Same town. I didn't know what to do. My first impulse was to friend them and write them a long letter about how I longed to know more about them and make connections for my child. Then I got scared. I have had a lot of babies taken from me in a lot of ways, yo. I won't even pretend that there wasn't a part of me that panicked thinking that if I found her, she would want this child back. That something would happen and I would lose this person who is not just a part of me, but is my very soul. Is this likely. Well, it is probably impossible. Is this a fair feeling to have on my part? Not at all... it is a very selfish one. After all, this person in Ethiopia has a prior claim. It is wrong to pretend that they don't. So, what does a person trying to be the best mama they can be do? Well, I made a new Facebook account with just a few family pictures, no last names or locations, and sent a friend request along with a brief note explaining that I was the American mother of TS and that if she knew T. I wondered if she was interested in having contact.
I didn't want her to get in trouble. What if this was all a big secret that I would be dredging up? What if my message would make her uncomfortable or upset? So, I tried to keep it neutral. I waited, checking my new Facebook account religiously. And then she posted a picture of herself. The owner of the account can't be more that 14. She is certainly not the person I thought she was.
I was crushed. I realized all of the sudden how much I wanted that for my child. How much I wanted my kids to have a real, tangible connection with their history and biological family. How much I want them to have their questions answered. How much I wanted this family on the other side of the world to be a real part of our family.
So I want to search. I want to find who I can before they are scattered to the winds and impossible to locate. Has anybody done this? Any tips? Any boundaries I shouldn't cross? Any advice of any kind?
I have no advice, just total respect for your honesty and compassion. (There's an online group about searching - email me if you want details - address is at the bottom of my blog.)
ReplyDeleteHello, we have searched on behalf of both of our kids and their families. I can't recommend it more highly -- it's has been great for both children and their families in Ethiopia. IMO, the very best place to start to research is the group Barb Aloot mentions. I recommend joining too.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to you on your journey!
Thanks to both of you! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have searched too. I can not recommend it enough. I am thankful every day for the connections we have, and for the answers, answers that are very different than the story I was originally told ...
ReplyDeleteDo it. We met the birth family in Ethiopia but wanted to send an update as well as ask some questions and see how they all were doing. We did it via Facebook --there is a FB group of adoptive parents of kids from Sidama. It was totally worth it. We received answers, video and pictures of the birth family holding the pictures we sent! Our son is not ready for this info; but when he's ready it will be his. I am SO glad we did it.
ReplyDeleteDo it. Get on FB and find the Ethiopian Adoptive family support group, and ask for suggestions. The people we use are not official investigators, they are more Ethiopian friends, but searching and maintaining contact has not always been easy but it is worth every penny.
ReplyDelete