Waves

I just looked at the calendar and realized that it has been a year! One year today since we brought Hana Yenenesh and Malakai Melese home.

I don't have the words to express what this last year has been like. I have had some of my most absolutely difficult, heartbreaking, discouraging, terrifying moments of my life this year. As well as so much joy, laughter and wonder.  The emotions have come like waves, washing over me, swirling around me, tossing me up into the air and pulling me under.

I am a different person than I was a year ago, of that I have no doubt. I'm not as good a person as I thought I was... nor as good a parent as I thought. I am trying to be better. Really. Trying to be one of those people who never looses their cool. Who spends all of their time with their children parenting in a way that fosters attachment and security.  I didn't realize how hard it would be- trying to give as much love as they need to each of my three children. I think I was such a much better mother when I only had one baby to take care of.  We spent so much time staring into each other's eyes and giggling. Snuggling and tickling. I do those things with all three of my children, but there isn't enough of me to go around. It sometimes exhausts and frustrates me. But there is so much fun and life with three; Duck, Duck, Goose with our whole family is more fun than I can say. There is so much joy in watching them bond and explore their world together. They are a pack... kinda like soccer hooligans, but cuter.

I have done so many things in the last year. I have fallen in love with two new people and with our new family as a whole. I have made sticker charts and taken kids to the dentist and doctor after doctor after doctor. I have potty trained two children and begun attempting to navigate the public school system. I have gotten bloody lips and bruised shins, heart and ego. I have learned new songs and taught my eldest daughter how to dance. I have helped a child weather storms of grief that I can't even comprehend and watched her begin to heal.

My children have changed, too.

 Mer is stronger now. Bolder. Much more self reliant. She has done things this year that I thought would be years in the future (like rolling her eyes and saying, " But MOM!" in an exasperated tone).  I think her highs are higher now, but her lows are lower. She struggles with missing when it was just her at the center of the universe, but loves to have such fun playmates.  She and Hani were sitting on the couch last night and she put her arm around her Hana, gave her a kiss and said, "I love you, sister." She does. And her brother.. her partner in crime... her own personal minion. She loves them.

Hana is tall and graceful now. She is athletic and smart and has started to show a brilliant sense of humor. She has developed a confident air about her. Hana still has dark times filled with big feelings. Not often, but they come out of nowhere when her confidence is  shattered. When I'm not paying enough attention. When I don't make my love apparent enough.  Hana loves us. So much. She aches for our approval and soaks in our love. It is never enough.  She is starting to realize that we can love both her and Meron at the same time, and is opening up her heart to her sister. She has learned that she can trust us with her brother and that she doesn't need to protect him.
She has learned much and taught me more. Hana is slowly but surely finding her place in our family and in this world.

Kai has changed from a baby to a little boy. He is funny and delights in making us laugh. He is hot tempered and quick to lash out, but sweet and kind and cuddly.  Malakai loves trucks and airplanes and animals. He has learned to run and climb and jump and leap into the swimming pool.  He used to be frantic whenever anyone got their coat or shoes on. He was so scared that he would be left behind. He has learned to dawdle most effectively. Kai loves his sisters. Hani is his protector. He thinks she is amazing. Meron is his mentor in all things mischievous. He looks to her for good ideas and cries for her to save him when he is in time out.

We continue to evolve and to grow. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.
I love them so. Happy family day, little peeps.