Hearts

It is 1am and I sit in the quiet in the middle of a mound of school supplies. Marking pencils, markers and crayons. M-a-l-a-k-a-i. M-a-l-a-k-a-i. My thoughts wander as I mark. M-a-l-a-k-a-i. Kai when he was tiny, trying to run laps around the kitchen. He had to slow down when he went around the corners, his belly making an appearance well before his sweet face. M-a-l-a-k-a-i.
I move on to the next pile. M-e-r-o-n on the pencil box. I wanted to get her a prettier color, but they only had black. My first failing of the school year. M-e-r-o-n. Kindergarten this year. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. She has been going to preschool. Somehow Kindergarten is different. M-e-r-o-n. Sweet little baby being placed in my arms. A hundred lazy days spent exploring in the park.  Sweet little head nestled under my chin. M-e-r-o-n. Before I know it, I am drawing hearts after her name. Rows of hearts on the pencils and markers and the black pencil box. M-e-r-o-n heart. She always needed me so much. I was the most important thing in the world to her. She is groaning with the need to expand now. Claiming her independence. Wanting to stand on her own. It makes me proud. And devastated. Who am I when they don't need me anymore? M-e-r-o-n heart.  Tiny hand in mine, whispered lullabies, a thousand sticky hugs and kisses. M-e-r-o-n heart. On to the next pile. H-a-n-a heart.  Her shy smile, leading me upstairs to show me her room at a crowded care center in Addis Ababa. Teaching her how to dance. Watching her feel the snow for the first time. Singing together as we drive, finally finding some common ground and our connection after a rough day.

There are forms to be filled out. What are your child's strengths? With what do they struggle? What is one thing you enjoy about your child? How do I tell their teachers? How do I tell them everything they need to know? How do I tell them who these small people are? How do I convey how important they are? How precious? Are they going to understand that Kai is smart and wants to be well behaved, but that he needs to be moving and doing to learn?
Will they realize that Hana has no emotional armor and that her vulnerable, naked feelings are so easily damaged by a harsh or critical word?
Will they realize that Meron's pride is  complicated and crucial and make allowances for that?
Will these teachers keep these precious people safe?  Understand them and love them? Help them or damage them?
In the morning I will have to put on my happy and excited face, but for now I sit in the quiet. Tears streaming down my face. Preparing to take this next step towards letting go of these hearts of mine. These hearts that exist farther and farther from my body.

Day... whatever is next...

An animal I'd like to keep as a pet.

Ever seen a pygmy goat? The babies  are pretty much the cutest things ever. They are silly and entertaining and they jump all over things and they're... well... fun.  Not loyal or useful or particularly cuddly, but sometimes that's ok, right? We used to have pygmy goats when I was young, and they were pretty darn low maintenance. We gave them water and they ate, you know, everything. Especially begonias. We had to chase them off of delivery vans and sometimes they'd jump up and ride the horses around. They didn't demand affection or take a lot of thought. They exercised themselves and stayed in the yard. My life must feel a little high maintenance right now if my qualification for additional pets I'd like to have include not needy or complicated in any way. Low stress, low drama, and all of the shedding takes place in the barn. Ahhh.... now that's a pet. 

Day 5

Late again. Nathan and I fell asleep putting the kids to bed last night and woke up, fully dressed, around 12:30am.  Since we were in bed, and it was 12:30, we just... well...went back to bed. 

 

A picture of the place I live.
This is the bridge that we walk across to get to the city park. There are 3 different playground structures and a bike path along the creek. It is really lovely. This bridge (and the park) are about 4 blocks from our house. A nice little walk or bike ride.
There are some really great things about living in a small town in South Dakota. As I've said before, this can't be our home forever. It is too big of a deal for my kids to have diversity in their daily lives. But, for now, it is a really nice little town. And we love many people here, as do our kids. It is a nice feeling, for me, to know most of the people I see on a daily basis. In some ways it gets frustrating (oh the GOSSIP!) but it is still nice to know that if I am 5 minutes late picking my kid up from dance class, someone I know will sit with her until I get there. For the record, that hasn't happened yet. But they would.  It is also nice to know that if someone sees my dog running around, they will call the daycare to have them call me at work to tell me. That actually has happened. Sure, I get frustrated at 5:05 on Sunday evening that the grocery store is closed so I have to try to find butter at the gas station, but the benefits are definitely there.

Day 4

My favorite picture of my best friend.
Well, my best friend is Nathan.

This is my favorite picture of him.

 

This is from our first night in Ethiopia with Meron. His first couple of hours of being a dad. I love the look on his face. And I love the way Meron is looking at him. She thought he was hilarious right from the start.  They bonded early over a deep love of all forms of toilet humor.

Nathan and I have been friends since I was 16 years old. We dated for 5 years and have been married for 9 years. I know we are short timers compared to some, but 9 years  is a pretty significant portion of my life. And if you count how long I've known him? Well, more than half of my life now.

Marriage is hard sometimes. I think it is inevitable for people who are so close and who care so much about each other to hurt each other sometimes. I have been so angry and so hurt at times. But I have never questioned whether or not I loved him. He has always made me laugh more than anyone else. He has always been the first person I want to talk to when something happens (well, I guess he is tied with my mom, but that is still pretty good). He loves our children fiercely, and though we all make mistakes as parents, he does his best.

He does the dishes because he knows I hate to do them. He knows I am an insomniac who is always up WAY too late, and so he lets me sleep as much as I can.  He drove 90 miles an hour to get me to the hospital and held me when I mourned miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies. He puts one foot in front of the other all day, every day, through thousands of loads of laundry and sinks full of dishes, countless lunches packed early in the morning and telling me to go take a break when I've had enough therapeutic parenting. He does it even though it is hard and even though he sometimes longs for a hermit's existence in the wilderness, because he is that kind of man. And he loves us. And he is my best friend.

Day 3

Yeah, I  skipped a couple of days. Give me a break... I was camping. Which, by the way, went well. The kids and I had to set up the whole camp while Nathan was doing some training. I know that he was incredibly sweaty and a little sore after kicking and stuff for like 4 hours, but I had to set up a 6 person tent. That has a porch. With two five year olds and a six year old. I am pretty sure I win. We went hiking, played at a great playground, learned how to roll down a giant hill and swimming. They had a great time. I am super tired.

So Day 3. My favorite store? I don't shop really. I mean, I like to shop, but I don't really have money to shop. And I have pretty expensive taste, which tends to lead to some frustration. Cause I like expensive things and pretty things, but I don't buy them. If I could win a shopping spree, I'd probably pick W0rld Market. Cause the stuff is pretty. And interesting. And not like the stuff that everybody else around here has in their homes. And now I'm sad that I just told everyone that the stuff at W0rld Market is out of my price range. Womp womp.
http://www.worldmarket.com/

Day 2!!

It is technically day two, because it is currently 4am. Yup, still packing. Should maybe have spent less time blogging and watching Hulu earlier this evening.  What have I eaten today?
Zotz. Otherwise known as the most under rated candy in the history of the world.

For the poor, unfortunate uninitiated, they are a tart candy that has fizzy powder in the midldle. So good.

I don't think I had eaten them for probably 6 months, but Nathan took pity on me after roughly 10 hours of packing.  

I think I really like them because they remind me of my grandma. She used to work in a little tiny grocery store. Tiny, like smaller than my living room. We would go visit her there and we would each get to pick out a piece of candy. It was the only place I saw Zotz.  I think of her when I see Fresca, too. She always had Fresca and Coke in her fridge, and fudgcicles in the freezer in the basement. I loved my grandma. She was tough and sarcastic and gave great hugs. When I picture her in my head it is either standing behind the counter at the store or with her head thrown back and laughing. She had a really great laugh. I dream about her laughing sometimes and always wake up smiling when I do. 

I loved my grandma.

Day1

A picture of me and a description of how my day went.
Well, today included playing beauty parlor twice- Once before work and once after. So when I went to work this morning I had my hair and nails freshly done. I took the barrettes out before I got there, but people kept asking if my finger was bleeding. They just don't understand fine nail art.

I worked and stuff at work... nothing too exciting. Lots of paperwork. Lots of chatting with Dixie, the terribly lucky person who gets to share an office with yours truly. She is a great friend... as evidenced by the fact that she still has friends from when she was in elementary school. My day is always better when she is around.

When I got home I got another layer of nail polish, this time with glitter. And more barrettes! I don't know if I pull them off quite as well as the girls.

Tonight is a gym night. Nathan teaches tae kwon do in a city nearby, so he took the girls with him for class. Kai is staying with his Grammy and Papa tonight, which is very exciting. The kids have been taking turns, and he has been in agony waiting for his chance. I love that they can get to know them as individuals. They are so different when they are on their own and not part of the pack. Really, you wouldn't believe how calm and cuddly the boy is with nobody to show off for. It is good that people get to know that side of him, too.

I am home posting on the blog and watching the Next Food Network St@r  packing for a camping trip tomorrow and making supper. The house is so quiet that it freaks me out. Kind of blissful, kind of lonely.
Day 1, complete!

Hmmm...

I have been a terrible blogger for the last..well.. year or so.  I miss having my online scrapbook to look back on and need to find a way to get back into the swing of things. So....

I will attempt it. Wish me luck.